Thursday, January 9, 2014

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part six

I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through.
I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something that'll remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?
| better in time - leona lewis |

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five

I cried until I didn't think I could possibly cry anymore. Then I just sat there feeling completely empty. I was kind of shocked and confused that I was that devastated. I had never really thought him talking to me was a big, I always felt like it was something I could take or leave and it didn't make that much of a difference to me either way...but all of a sudden the thought of not talking to him and him not talking to me seemed like the most miserable thing I could ever imagine! I did like this guy! Oh gosh, how I liked him! And apparently he liked me too! I mean...that is what idolizing someone usually implies, right? I didn't really know. Maybe. Maybe he just idolized my conversation and friendship because he was lonely...his roommate Colin had been pretty absent seeing as though he was often out and about dating his new girlfriend Tori. That was a possibility too, I supposed. 
I told Mama and Daddy about his email. They both agreed I should respond soon. I prayed for wisdom and grace to use the right words. The tears continued to flow as I read and reread his email several times before writing my response. 
I said I understood and that, though it would be hard and I cried just thinking about it, I agreed that not talking for awhile would be a wise decision because I had admittedly been idolizing him as well. It was so so of the hardest things I've ever done. Things seemed pretty blah...I didn't know what to do or think or say. I felt broken...shattered. I think it was worse because I was so uncertain of what he felt and I had been in denial the whole time about how I had been feeling. On top of all of that I was still extremely sick! Mega bummer on all levels.
The next few days were dark, dreary, pitiful, and pathetic. I sat on the couch, blankly staring at the TV but appearing to be "watching" my new Lord of the Rings trilogy that I had been stoked about when I had found them a few weeks prior for less than $2 a piece! But now it was just noise and moving pictures that went on for hours that at least kept me from being in silence, sometimes coughing until I couldn't breathe, other times randomly bursting into tears remembering what had happened. It was an extremely low time, let me tell ya. :( 

After almost a week had past I was far from well but ready to get out of the house. Our church was having a Thanksgiving dinner/hayride and I decided, well or not well, I was going! I needed human interaction. Everyone else went on the hayride but Rachel stayed back with me and I told her what was going on. (That's what best friends are for, people!! Never underestimate them!!)
"Woa. This is deep stuff." she said once I was finished venting while holding back tears as best I could. She and I both decided it very well could have been that he didn't like me...he had just gotten carried away and gave me the wrong idea so decided he needed to back off. The more we talked about it the less likely it seemed to me that he could like me. Which made me extremely sad but not so weepy...I was finally resolved that I needed to get over him. Easier said than done but I had done it before and I would do it again...problem was, the more I thought about it the more I realized I had never liked a guy quite like Trevor.
I had always liked guys that I knew I shouldn't, to my shame. I had liked them all for selfish reasons or to be rebellious because I felt all big and bad doing it. But this case was entirely different. Against everything that I would've generally chosen for myself, there was Trevor. 
He was short -- I liked tall guys.
He had brown eyes -- I've always preferred blue.
He was 26 for crying out loud! But I admired that he wasn't a "fake it til you make it" unbeliever that was professing to be saved and he wasn't a weak Christian. He was sweet, funny, kind, interesting, cool, thoughtful...Like I said...he was basically everything the other guys I had liked were not. I didn't really want to like him, but I did! A lot! And just when that became totally clear, I had to stop.
Exactly a week after his email, Mitchell and Brandi (my cousins) were on our doorstep with the most adorable beagle puppy I think I have ever seen. He came right to me and curled up in my arms. My first instinct reaction? I started crying. While I sat teary eyed completely enraptured with this little mass of sweetness, Mitchell and Brandi told me I was going to get to keep him for 3 weeks {until Christmas} when they would then give him to Maggie as her Christmas morning gift. The particulars weren't all that important to me. All I knew is that I was sick, my broken heart was trying to decide if it would ever mend again, and now I was holding a puppy. I really really needed this puppy. The Lord is very merciful and unique in giving us small joys to be thankful for even in the midst of trials and confusion. I mean, yeah, it was just a puppy and what I was dealing with was kind of huge...pretty much the biggest trial I could ever remember facing...but nevertheless, I felt a little better for the first time in a while. 

After they left I just stared at him in my arms and grinned incessantly, as he slept soundly in my lap. I took an Instagram picture of him to let the world know of my happiness. Rachel commented, "Awwww! This is exactly what you needed!" She knew it just like I knew it. It was time to be happy about something. :)
I posted the picture on G+ and to the caption I had copied from the Instagram post I impulsively added, "I totally needed this!" No one else would really understand why I said that...besides Rachel...and maybe him...if he saw it. Deep down I wrote those words half hoping he would see it. So he would know I was hurt but could still be happy without him. (You know, the pathetic, dramatic, seemingly tough girl-power proclamation of "I'm stronger than that! I don't need boys to make me happy! Who needs boys when you have puppies!?" ha.) But there was, of course, no guarantee that he would see it.
He had completely disappeared from the face of the social media earth it seemed. No posts, he hadn't liked anything...anywhere. No YouTube activity (yes...I stalked his YouTube activity judging. Desperate moping girl here.) And he hadn't been online anywhere...believe me, I checked pretty much every minute. But if he did get online, he would see that I was having my emotional pain soothed with my new buddy, Charlie! 

Honestly, it was silly. I was clearly depending on what he did or didn't do to gauge how emotionally stable I was. That aspect, I'll admit, was wrong. Very wrong. Truth is, I have ultimate joy in Christ that can never be added to or taken away from because it is infinite and perfect. The real truth was I was "stronger than that" because of Christ. It wasn't the puppy that made me able to be happy without Trevor, it was Jesus Christ. I wish I would've grasped that more at the time.
My circumstantial happiness was subject to minute-by-minute changes. Like how when Rachel sent me a chat letting me know Trevor had +1 the picture of Charlie and I on G+ and I once again started weeping. "Well what does that mean?!" I sobbed as I glared at his picture in my notifications. "You can't possibly know what you're doing to me!!" I said through clenched teeth.
Granted, I was hormonal, and sick, and confused which just added to my natural tendency to be on the emotional side of things when everything around me isn't deciding to crash down all at once.
The next morning proved to be even worse. He had posted a YouTube video at almost 1 in the morning (worse time to make any rash/impulsive decisions or movements on social media...or the Internet period, I must say.) It was of him singing along nonchalantly (and almost teasingly) to a Johnny Cash song. The words stabbed into me like a thousand knives. "I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. It ain't me babe, no no no, it ain't me you're looking for." He had as the description, "For those who think I would make the perfect husband."
I was speechless, and breathless, and felt like throwing up. I started to laugh because it was so stupid but my laugh turned almost immediately guessed it...more hysterical crying. Then I got angry. Very angry. It just seemed so unlike him. It was! And rude! And weird! And hurtful! "Look, I get it! You don't like me! But just because you apparently picked up on the fact that I did like you, you didn't have to make fun of my feelings and use something as tacky as this to give me the hint that it would never work out!!" I shouted this at the computer screen as the video continued to last forever it seemed, by the way. I called and asked my dad to watch it. His interpretation was the same. It was a way to tell me to get over him....that was in very bad taste. I sent it to Rachel to get her opinion. She freaked out too. For a split second I thought of another conclusion that could possibly be true. "Maybe he's just saying that he will never be the perfect husband because nobody is perfect. Cause I mean...he's just not that...heartless, normally." I loved that new thought. It fit him better. But it seemed too obvious. Not outlandish and uncalled for and unbelievable enough for my over-the-top, dramatic, highly-analytic thought process at the time. So I went back to sorrowfully believing that he must've had a complete out of character experience and chose to hurt me for my own good. {Oh yeah, that really made sense.}
That afternoon I saw that he was online. Agreement to not talk or not, he had some explaining to do. 
I sent him a chat that said, "Listen...I know what you said about avoiding each other for a while but, we need to talk about something." He replied with a, "Yes ma'am." I started typing again but before I could get any thoughts written and sent, he sent a link to a video he had just posted and said, "If you saw my video from last night, this will probably help." The new video was him explaining why he made the Johnny Cash video in the first place. Good news is, he realized it was silly and tried to cancel the upload. Bad news is, it posted anyways. All in all, he was dealing with his own thought process and having a little fun with big deal. { had become a huge deal in my heart by this point...repairs were slowly being made but damage had been done.} We talked a few unclear things out and it didn't take me long to realize he was just as confounded as I was. He couldn't clearly define to me what aspect of me he'd been idolizing. He tried to clarify some things and I felt better after we talked and yet things didn't really feel all that different. He basically told me he loved talking to me but he feared it was just being a huge distraction in my life so he couldn't do that to me.
"Oookay, not that I mind your distractions but I think I understand." I thought to myself as I watched him type and type...obviously struggling with what to say and convey to me. Finally we left it at the point of going back to not talking because he didn't want to get emotionally attached or something along those lines. He was glad I understood {or at least, I said I did but I'm not really sure that was a fully honest statement.} 
The next week seemed to pass much easier for me. He didn't like me, plain and simple. I had a puppy to take care of and overall I had a loving God that was in total control. I was going to be just fine. I didn't feel near as emotional or prone to crying. If I liked something he posted, I +1'd it without shame {never commented though.} Nothing had happened. There had been no real mutual official attachment expressed {or a desire for there to be one expressed}, therefore, acknowledging his presence while safely avoiding direct interaction seemed like a perfectly acceptable system. Sure, my feelings towards him were the same it was still tough stuff, don't get me wrong. I remember vividly relapsing into short periods of weeping when Adele or Colbie Caillat songs would play so I tried to avoid them like the plauge. And one time in particular, I sat at the computer with Charlie in my lap and Better in Time by Leona Lewis came on Pandora. I couldn't hold back. I wept and wept. My dad walked in and was like, "What in the world is wrong with you?" (He, being a man, was not really fully in tune with how truly emotionally traumatized and compromised I was about "losing" this guy...)  I looked up and trying to think fast, blubbered the only response I could think of, "We're gonna have to give Charlie back after Christmas! *deep heaving sobbing breath in* He nodded slightly and left me to my puddles of sorrow. 
But for the most part I was more consistently learning to finally rest in, "Thy will not mine be done." I knew everything was going to work out according to His plan and I was content with that, even if I was battling this "roller coaster" of emotions I had sinfully succumbed to and had almost let take hold of me altogether. And then as the "better days" started piling up, I was joyful and excited in my heart about the future whether my circumstances were bright or not. It was a refreshing time of learning...peace. I wrote a poem about it. I was determined not to be a moper any longer. 

Rachel and I on December 10th. Choosing rather to be coping not moping! :)

Then. The night of 12/12/12, while Mama and I were cooking supper. We stood in the kitchen chatting away. I was smiling and thinking the same thing in the back of my head that I had been thinking for days. "Wow. I'm gonna be okay. I'm doing this. I'm getting better." Then Mama glanced down at the phone screen and nearly shrieked. She gasped, grabbed the phone and held it out to me. I had received a message on the G+ Messenger. One word that would turn my whole demeanor (and eventually my world) upside down instantly. I read it, and  all the "jelly limbs" and "tummy butterflies" came rushing back with all fervor and I knew, I was in for it. The word? The word was:

(Doing this part in two sub Next part coming tomorrow morning! Just wanted y'all to be left hanging for a leeetle bit between these two sections. hehe ;)) 


  1. Ugh, don't do this to us...:) Looking forward to the next part tomorrow!


  2. STAWPPPP. This is too good. *wails* I need the next parttttt.

  3. AHHH. You cliff hanger person you. ;) Gimme moreeeeee. <333

  4. Whaaaaat? Don't do this to us Allix! Now I can't wait for tomorrow!

  5. Ah, you are seriously SO good at cliffhangers, Allix. =) And THANK YOU for posting the next one the very next day - gratefully excited! Blessings!

  6. total cliff hanger. I was so ready to read on! ;) x

  7. Ahhhhh!!! That cliffhanger is so evil!!! Can't wait for the next part!

  8. BAHAHAHAHAH I love the ending! I Laughed when you wrote ; "We have to give Charlie back at Christmas!" cracked me up, my dad and brother are pretty clueless as to my tears at times as well ;) I love your writing and your story, and I think you were very strong during that time of heartbreak.

  9. This is so unfair! I want to know what happens!

  10. Not sure how I missed seeing these posts (part 6 & 7) until now... especially since I've been dying to read them! lol! The "It ain't me babe" youtube video... yeah if it were me, I would have probably tried to send my daddy & 2 brothers after him immediately! :p Thanks so much for posting your story. I definitely have some of the same struggles that you faced before finding Trevor & actually understanding where the Lord was leading your relationship. Your story is exciting & encouraging. :)


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