h o m e is wherever i'm with you : part eight

"You don't have to say a word, to speak to me...
I don’t have to hold your hand to feel you there. 
We don’t really have a plan, but I’m not scared. 
Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe that’s the thing
That's the thing about us."
|| thing about us - steve moakler || 

 To find this series at any time, just click on the button in the left sidebar that says "I fell in love" :) 

If you need to catch up, here are all the individual links:

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven

The next day I was in a thick cloud of "He's gonna call, he's gonna call, he's gonna CALL!" I thought he might've talked with Charles (his pastor) the night before at the bible study so I was preparing myself for him to call my dad any minute. The day passed and I was still going full steam on my high hopes. The next day had me saying, "Yesterday must've been busy for him...so today will be the day!" Another day was soon gone. By this time I was admittedly kind of nervous. What if Charles had advised him strongly against a relationship with me? Surely he would let me know that! By the fourth day I was back to weepiness, tons of anxiety, and pessimistic thoughts. I had told Rachel, since she had known about the depressing email. I felt it best, even in such early and unsure stages to at least let her know things had moved in a more positive direction....maybe. Unless he just freaked out and changed his mind! Monday morning; December 17, 2012; I was at work with Rachel at her dad's dental office as usual. My mom texted Rachel that I needed to call her right away. (Keep in mind I didn't have my own cell phone. ;) ) So, I used the private line at the front desk and called my mom, anxious to see what kind of news awaited me. I said, "Hello?" and her reply was, "Trevor's trying to chat with you!! What do I say?!" My email was open at home and it looked like I was online. She read me his chat, "I have a question...two actually...First one is, what time would be best for me to call your dad?" My entire being was screaming, "NOW NOW NOW! Call him NOW!" But I knew my dad would prefer to be home from work so I told her to tell him anytime after four would be the best. "Okay, second question...should I wear football pads?" I struggled, as Mama read me what he was saying, to contain the smile that was so big it threatened to break my face. Rachel grinned just as big from the chair beside me as I shakingly relayed to her the gist of what was going on. After I took a moment to recover from his adorableness, I told her to tell him "Daddy is tough but its just cause I'm his baby...he wouldn't be mean...just stern maybe." He replied, "Good. Well, at least I made it past Charle's 2x4." (Referring to his teasing fear that upon telling Charles he would be hit with a big stick. ;) ) My heart swooned again. I gripped the phone and whispered to my mom, "Ok, ok...too much cute. I have to get back to work." She was hilariously shook up from having to be the middle man typer and reader. ;) Rachel and I were nothing short of giddy. "He's gonna call today! He's gonna call...TODAY!" I tried to let that officially sink in with full confidence. 

Around 12 or so my mom called me back. I was in the storage room of the office hanging up mandated safety posters so we were free to talk for awhile and I could keeping working. My dad had called Bro. Kevin, one of our pastors and also a best friend of my dad's, to let him know what was going on and to receive some council. Bro. Kevin advised right away that Trevor should come to Texas and meet my parents in person as soon as possible. Discussions over the phone will be good, but that has to happen to get some better ground laid. I started happy crying as Mama told me. It was all so overwhelming! I mean, sure, this was nowhere close to being a sealed deal but at that moment things started really clicking with me. This new year that was coming up I could be in my first real official relationship...ME! Crazy!! 

That afternoon Rachel and I drove to my grandmother's house because Mam-maw had a special night planned for the girls in the family (plus friends ;) ) to get together and make cookies. With all the excitement built up, we had a bit of fun on the way. ;)

Rachel of course was stoked to be there with me as I waited for Daddy, who was now home alone, to call and tell us he had gotten a phone call. It was surreal...exciting...scary....nerve-wracking. Four o' clock came and went. "Well...so he isn't the type that would wait to call exactly after 4." I thought nervously to myself. I wondered how nervous he was. He was probably terrified if I was as scared as I was and I wasn't even having to do anything! As if in response to my thought process at about 5:30 he did a post on Google Plus..."Sometimes I wish I could have a pinch hitter in real life. Someone to just tell you, 'Okay buddy, go out there and get in the game!' Should've asked for one of those for Christmas last year." Rachel and I squealed and she exclaimed, "That's totally about calling your dad! He's scared!" I laughed as she then put in a comment the words of motivation he had jokingly asked to hear, "Ok, buddy! Go out there and get in the game!" He quickly deleted the post after that. "Maybe that'll help!" Rachel teased. "Or maybe it'll freak him out even more knowing we're all waiting around for him to get in the game," I worried. I wasn't much help to the cooking baking crew. I burnt all of mine that I was in charge of and I begged them all to cut me a bit of slack. "My chocolate chip cookies are usually awesome and y'all know it! I'm just not usually waiting for a potentially life changing phone call!" It got later and later. My mom got phone calls from my dad several times but never with the big news. Rachel finally had to go because it was getting late. My mom had just gotten off the phone with my dad when Rachel left. Because she didn't say anything I assumed he had still had nothing to share. I sat down in the floor and leaned back, resting my head on the wall. My eyes welled up and my Mama asked me what was wrong. "I just....I just....I really thought he was gonna...*sniff*...call tonight." The few tears stung my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back.
"Well good," She said frankly, "'Cause he did."
"WHAT?!" My jaw dropped and my heart rate skyrocketed!

"They talked for about 2 hours. Right before 7 is when he called and they just got off the phone."
It all seemed like a dream. My dad had talked on the phone with Trevor Ruby for two hours! WHAT?! Daddy called me soon after and told me about the whole conversation. He said it went very well, Trevor was extremely respectful and was very insistent that Daddy oversee the guidelines as the father. He was surprised by how young I was...he had just found out a few weeks before he called...and yet, he still called.
The joy of recounting this story now that we're (SPOILER ALERT) married is that I've been able to get some insight on what was happening on his side of things compared to my side which I kept jotted down in my journal. He told me that he had been confiding in his roomie and good friend Colin about his feelings for me. He remembers saying to Colin, "Man! I don't know...is she too young?? I mean I am 26 years old and she's....how old is Rachel Greene? They're the same age right? And Rachel is like 20. 6 years difference...is that too much?!" He said Colin just started laughing and said, "Dude...she's 3 years younger than Rachel. She's only 17!" Trevor said he immediately thought "Oh no! What am I doing!" But the more he thought about it and prayed about it he realized, it didn't seem to phase his feelings for me. The least he could do was try, right? 
 So! Back to my phone conversation with my dad...He said Trevor told him he was still very much seeking the Lord's will in this and praying fervently about it because he wasn't sure if it was the path God was guiding him towards or not. They talked some about a few of their doctrinal differences, along with things they didn't necessarily directly disagree with but just things that our church did that his didn't and vice versa. Overall the vibe Daddy gave me from the whole talk was more positive than negative but he wanted to handle it neutrally so as not to get my hopes up.
My older sister Holly and I spent the night with Mam-maw and we stayed up all night (literally...all night) talking. I felt like I would never, maybe could never sleep again! ;) My mind and heart were full to overflowing. He did a post later on about being thankful for encouragement from new brethren and I smiled knowing he was talking about my dad. :) He deleted it later; it was becoming a pattern that I was picking up on. He seemed to post either slightly or very pointed things directed at me or our situation in general and he then almost always deleted it soon after. He must've been just as bewildered as I was! ;) The next day he went to Georgia to spend Christmas with his family as I "Christmas'd it up" with my own. :)

As the week went on, it felt like a month had passed and Mama and I started getting antsy. We wondered when he was planning to call again. He and Daddy had agreed to talk at least once a week. Lo and behold, Daddy got an email from Trevor asking what time he could call. Much to our surprise and contrary to how long it felt, it had only been four days since the original call when they talked for the second time. In the midst of all this I wrote out Philemon 4-7 in calligraphy. (Flashback) During the week of gloom after the email that ripped my heart to shreds we were doing Bible study one night and we happened to be reading Philemon. I don't believe I've ever truly read that book. But that of all books, is exactly what I needed. It brought such warmth and joy to my heart. The Lord used it in a very sweet way to comfort me. Verses 4-7 brought Trevor to my mind in such a bittersweet way. And then verse 15 jumped out at me..."For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for awhile, that you might have him back forever." I'm certainly not a fan of twisting Scripture out of context to make it fit where and how we want it to...but this just rested on my heart and gave me peace...not necessarily that in being separated from Trevor for a while would mean I would get him back forever...but more so that there was a purpose, God had a purpose, even if the separation was incredibly painful.
So, like I said, Philemon was an unexpected little jewel whose value I treasured that night.
Now! Back to me writing the passage in calligraphy....after I made the picture I put it between two pieces of cardboard, wrapped it in brown paper, addressed it all pretty and sent it off to 2 Shady Lane in Kirksville. Merry Christmas to Mr. Ruby. :)

However, I did not take into account how long he would be gone from his and Colin's house. I did not think about all the snow and rain and that poor defenseless little package probably taking the blows of it all. Colin was in Columbia so he could be no help and I didn't feel very comfortable with anyone knowing about me sending Trevor a package anyway. So I had to wait to hear the fate of my little gift. One of the days he was in Georgia he posted a 15 minute long video of himself taking a tour of his mom's showroom for her business Just Got 2 Have It. "For you." Mama assured me. He liked and commented on lots of fun love songs on YouTube. "So they would show up in his activity feed for you to see" my mom would say. Somehow she was always able  to find a way to trace all his actions back to me. It was a dizzyingly fun time trying to pick up on all his hidden messages and dropped hints....since he wasn't allowed to directly contact me in anyway. All these things helped to rid my mind of the picture I was imagining of a ridiculously pitiful soggy package on his doorstep in Missouri. He stayed away from Kirksville for so. long! I messaged Colin quickly to ask if he or Trevor was going to get home from their families' Christmases first and he said Trevor was getting back first. Which meant if the package was ruined, he would find it alone and not with Colin which would be kind of lame and humiliating. Talk after talk went well between him and Daddy. They went head to head on their doctrinal difference, digging deeper to evaluate if these were deal breakers or things that could be accepted. It was good for both of them learning how to handle the issue with kindness, respect, and love as brothers in Christ. He did eventually get back to Kirksville...and thankfully I was to be informed of the status of that package. When looking at YouTube the day after he got home I found this video::

The package wasn't ruined...praise the Lord! I nearly died from the cuteness of the video. It was downright precious and made my heart feel like it was squeezed to death. He sounded so genuinely excited and just plain giddy to be opening something from me. It was some of the clearest evidence of his interest for me that I'd ever witnessed up to that point. I'm sure he was not expecting for that video to be as popular as it turned out to be. ;) Of course Rachel and I watched it a ton of times and every time I turned around Mama wanted to watch it again. ;)
So the big news after that was his travel to Texas plans. He had been planning on flying here but started to consider whether tickets would be too expensive for such a short trip. Then he tossed around catching a ride with a man there in the church in Kirsville who was planning to visit his son in the Dallas area at the end of February. That was his plan for a few days but then when he talked to my dad he finally settled on driving down February 1st and spending all February 2nd with them....because he couldn't stand waiting until the end of the month. ;)
So the date was set! He would be coming to Texas, my parents began compiling a list of a million questions to ask him and they honestly looked forward to getting to hang out with and getting to know him in person. I tried to fathom what I would do while they were with him....I would be home pretending to be chill and probably stopping to pray for them every 5 minutes. Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah. The only catch to this delightful little powwow with Trevor was that I wasn't allowed to be there. My dad wanted it to be as "distraction-free" as possible. So now I was waiting on yet another life-changing conversation...that I could have no hand in or control over!
Talk about some faith building.
I suppose the real tester for me was not being able to talk to him! I had already gone through such a roller coaster already! I fought daily with the fears of "What if he doesn't really like me as much as I like him?!" My mom was my constant cheerleader through it all..."He wouldn't keep talking to Daddy if he didn't like you! He wouldn't be planning to come all the way to Texas to see us if he didn't like you a lot!" But February 1st was still nearly a month away! Along with being my personal cheerleader, she also joined in 100% on my anticipation. I have in my journal on January 8th her saying, "Why does time have to be going soooo sloooow! Why can't it be February already?!" I had to lovingly remind her that she was the one getting to see him then...I would be having to wait even longer. ;) The phone dates with my dad were sure and steady...they hardly ever skipped a week, and normally talked more than once a week...for up to 3 hours at a time! My dad always made me wait in my room or he would leave the house when they talked. He didn't want me eavesdropping I guess. It's funny now to think about how guarded the whole thing was but I know that at this point things were still very much undecided. My dad could honestly pull the plug at any moment if there was any red flag. It sounds strict and over the top, but a father has to use some necessary caution when a 26 year old man that he has never met suddenly has interest in his 17 year old daughter. It felt like torture to us then, but I know the situation was a huge mountain for my dad to access and climb.
Those times in my room were always pretty hilarious...I've never been one to spend much time in my room so finding myself in there for hours at a time always made things interesting. I'd clean up, read, listen to music, work out, pace the floor trying to ascertain whether an ultra long conversation was more likely a good sign or a bad sign. When I was finally freed from my "cell" I always tried not to be too eager as I allowed Daddy to share at his own pace, knowing he doesn't like to be rushed or pressured. Though he would beat around the bush for about 10 minutes with jokes like, "Weeell...I wouldn't say it went really good...I mean it was okaaaay..." Inside, I was screaming and kicking and this >> 
He would finally spill the beans that he enjoyed the conversation very much and was pleased with everything that had been said. He always asked Trevor lots of questions and never seemed to receive an answer that warranted any major concern.
One of the sweet bits of reprieve that kept me hopeful was our secret means of semi-communication...YouTube. No, not like vlogging or any such thing...but our activity feeds. Because we were subscribed to each other's channels, I could see when he liked a video and vice versa. This, for two people who were constantly thinking about one another but had no way to directly express that in words, became pretty useful and fun. Such songs like Hesitate, Hurts like Heaven, Can't Take my Eyes off of You, (What a) Wonderful World, To Whom it May Concern, Talk, Bloom, Ho Hey, and Your Song were slyly exchanged like notes in class. Where there's a will, there's a way...and I guess you'd say that we had a lot of will.

to be continued

Why I don't regret getting engaged young : personal

Today marks three months until the day I wake up, put on an ethereal floor-length white gown, and look in the mirror to see a bride. Three months until I will become one with a man that God spent 27 years preparing for me. Which is pretty awe-inspiring when you take into account that I've only been alive for 18 years. But that's what is so marvelous about God's sovereignty. I didn't have to be born yet for God to already be preparing my groom for me! Everything He does is absolute with its own level of certainty and unique purpose. 

When I become Mrs. Ruby I will be about 2 weeks away from my nineteenth birthday. When I turn twenty-one I will have been a wife for 2 years already. I vividly remember when I was younger hearing my Mam-maw (my maternal grandmother) tell me about how she fell in love with a man in his twenties at the age of 14 and how she was blown away to find he returned her feelings! They corresponded romantically through letters the whole year that she was 15 while he lived in the state of Washington and she was over 2,000 miles away in Texas. That Christmas break, when she was not even three months past her 16th birthday, he came back to her little town and asked her to marry him. By New Years Eve they were headed back to Washington in his new car as husband and wife! That timeline always blew my mind...not only was it SO.FAST., all I could think of was how young she was! Wasn't she afraid? Did she wonder if he was the right one? She didn't even have enough time in her life to know! She was a baby! Howww??!! She would always just smile with a look of love that spoke far louder than words. Though his death cut their marriage short after just 28 years, you can still feel the love she had (has) for him after 30 years later. There is no doubt that, were he still here, I would have grandparents that had been happily married and head over heels in love for almost 60 years. If she ever did answer my questions with words it was always something quite simple and straight forward; somewhere along the lines, "We had love and we figured out the rest. The Lord took care of us. "

And now, here I am. Engaged before I'm twenty to a man several years older than me. And all at once those same questions are being fired all around but now they're pointed in my direction. I suddenly understand why her answers were so simple! Because it is that simple. Here...let me break it down so you can see what I mean.

I am by no means advising everyone run out when they're 16 and start actively looking and expecting a man to sweep them off their feet and propose to them. Please don't think that! I know how discouraging singleness can be without those kinds of expectations so I don't want to plummet anyone any farther down! I've been right where you are, wondering, "WHEN WHEN WHEEEEN WILL MY PRINCE CHARMING COME?!" at the age of 16. Most people would've laughed but it was a real pain and I don't ever want to discount anyone who is dealing with that same pain. But I would advice that you take that pain before the Lord. Because, I will assure you, all the protection, love, affirmation, companionship, and completion you're yearning for really can't be fulfilled fully by another person...only Jesus Christ. But! In the same breath I want those that turn their noses up or drop their jaws when someone like me is excited about getting married early to hear me out because this is the true bone I'm trying to pick. The question of, "But what about your life? You haven't even gotten to live your life yet and now you're going to be tied down to a husband!" My number one response? Yuck. That really does make my stomach turn. What life? College? Sexual Baggage? Drunken parties? Heart Ache? Confusion? Loneliness? What life am I losing by becoming one with a man that the Lord placed directly in my life...a process that brings me to tears because it bears the fingerprints of God all over it. Every bit of life that both of us have lived apart was fashioned to fit us together in the perfect time.

 People will tell me that I haven't loved Trevor long enough to know for sure that I want to love him forever. That's an interesting concept to me. Hey, I'm all for really discerning the Lord's will in a relationship and not jumping into something that is not glorifying to Him. That's why I would stress having other older married couples and your pastors involved in discussions and over-seeing what the Lord is (or is not) doing in the lives of two people who have feelings for one another. But when the Lord is clearly knitting two people together and they both clearly desire marriage and see that that is what appears to be God's intention for their relationship (and this feeling is increasingly felt by those around them) you really think staying in that state of limbo is the wisest decision?

Okay. So let's say we waited. Put a five year minimum on our "dating status" before taking the step towards engagement. Because being passionately in love with someone that you desire to be married to but continuing in a state of casual dating is the smartest option...(I apologize for my sarcasm...this subject really gets to me.) Can I turn to Scripture for a moment? 1 Corinthians 7:9 "It is better to marry than to burn with lust (or passion.)" I know that verse has, no doubt, been countless times wickedly used out of context to justify couples in foolish, rebellious, "against wise council" relationships. But let me apply this to my situation personally and honestly. I am thankful for boundaries, and Godly council, and the inward working of the Spirit, and the Lord who chastises those whom He loves and hedges them about with protection because I will tell you plain and simple...as joyous, and celebratory, and exciting, and lovely as engagement is...it is a battle. We are two fallen sinners, redeemed by the blood of our Savior, living in a corrupt world that blurs all the lines of right and wrong, purity and deceit, wholeness and emptiness. The world says its "okay" and "loving" to give yourselves to one another before or without marriage altogether. But the Word of God tells me and Trevor as redeemed individuals that to do so would grieve our Father. The flesh works against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh and it. is. hard. Even knowing how close 3 months is, I can see how some trip and fall and do not finish the race. I am deeply sorry for those couples because I know that when they seek too soon to fulfill what they believe to be beautiful desires, they are disappointed to find themselves feeling very ugly on the other side of things. Couples truly do burn with lust. Scripture wouldn't have said it if it weren't true. The word burn indicates a fire. Thinking about that this week the Lord laid upon my heart the verse in Lamentations that says, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed." Which then made me think of the verse that says, "Our God is a consuming fire." SO! Tying together all of our context clues...Lust burns like a fire. God is also a burning, consuming fire. What keeps us from succumbing and being consumed by the fire of lust? It can surely be only one thing, the Lord's mercies! If left to our own selves without the Lord's mercies, those fiery passions could easily engulf any couple...including Trevor and I. So thankful to not be alone!! So thankful to have Trevor just as dedicated to saving ourselves for marriage as me! So thankful that when we do struggle together we run to prayer together! It is an invaluable fountain of grace that we find there at the throne and those mercies, that are new every morning, truly do keep us from being consumed. To those in the Lord who do wait years and years loving one another deeply before getting married, I'm sure you can echo my thankfulness and attribute your triumphs to His protection and I commend you for your strength...I can't imagine but I praise God for you. 

Another aspect of these questions that hurts me right to my core...that marriage is less than other exciting parts of life that I could experience. That traveling to Europe, living on my own, going to college, dating lots of other people to get my "feel" of the male-kind before settling down and marrying would make my life that much more complete. Having been with Trevor for the last year, I couldn't imagine anything being more of an adventure than loving him has been! And I trust when I turn twenty-one and my teen years are behind me and I will have settled into newly wed life I prayerfully will not think that anything could be more wonderful than having him come home to me everyday...being my provider, protector, my lover, my other half, and my best friend. Proverbs tells us "He who finds a wife finds a good thing." My prayer is that Trevor may be able to say that all the days we are married just as he says it now while we are engaged. :) Marriage, when orchestrated by, entrusted to, and focused on the Lord I believe will be far more satisfying to me than whatever life others think I'll be missing. Others' stories will not have a spouse written into the plot and that's okay. The Lord writes a different story for everyone. For some He withholds until later in life. For some, He gives other things besides married love. I am personally grateful that my story includes a man for me but I do not feel like it is the perfect dream for everyone. 

"For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving."

- 1 Timothy 4:4

Yes. There is a plethora of things that "normal" teenagers experience that I won't. But such is life. Every story is different. Let's not hate on each other's pages. Let's praise the Author for His wisdom and creativity in giving everyone their own chapters. I am thrilled to be counting down to my wedding day at the same time as others my age are counting down to other exciting parts of their life such as getting into their dream college, flying to New Zealand, shooting their first wedding (shout-out to all my photogs!)....whatever you're looking forward to, I rejoice with you if you are receiving it with thanksgiving to God! I won't have worn several fancy prom dresses when I slip my wedding dress on...it will be the only gown I will have ever worn up to that point. And I'm giddy that that will be so. And I do hope to travel one day...and what fun it will be to have such a gift at my side to adventure with! I do not feel robbed of a life that I didn't get to have. I feel humbled to have a life that I don't deserve. 

~Through Christ's Love ♥ 

Thanks to Ellie Be and Rachel Leigh for the pictures in this post. <3

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part seven

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six

All my, "I'm gonna be a'okay" feelings melted away all at once and all the jitters and shakes and even those pesky butterflies were back in business for sure. As if I was calm, cool, and collected I sent back, "Hey :)"

Something deep inside me felt like this conversation was about to be a big deal. Something big was going to happen...I just knew it! He was typing...

"So, I don't know what I'm looking for, like a letter to fall from the sky saying its okay to talk to Allix..."

I melted. Like a candle near a flame, like snow in the summer sun, like butter in a hot frying pan. My insides fluttered and flittered and my palms got sweaty. "He's been wanting to talk to me." I gulped. "But why?" The giggly feelings halted. I needed to reign it back in. My thought process sped forward. "Our conversations had just gotten so common the abrupt end to them has probably just been an uncomfortable life adjustment for him. He probably just misses me as a friend, that's all." The walls I had taught myself to begin building began to slowly rise again. As I thought; he kept typing.

He wanted to know if him not talking to me had been helpful. {We talked as if it had been months...not the several days or weeks it had truly been. ;)} I was brutally honest. I said it had given me lots of time to pray and evaluate my feelings but it had hurt and been hard. However, I knew life wasn't supposed to be all rosy, peachy keen, and easy so in the whole grand scheme of things I was doing okay. He laughed. I asked if it had helped him. He couldn't say for sure...he didn't really know. Basically he didn't like not talking to me so he didn't know how to answer my question. Was it hard on his flesh but good for his spirit? He couldn't really tell.

"He misses me. Whether its as a friend or more than that...I don't care. He misses me." Either way, that made my heart get all warm and fuzzy and sentimental. Just like a girl. ;) 

He then asked if him continuing to talk to me would be a huge distraction for me. *Face Palm*

"Something's gotta give! We can't keep going back and forth with this!"

Mama looked me straight in the eye and said, "You have to ask him what his intentions are. That is the only way you'll be able to clearly interpret his conversation. And that will also determine whether or not it's a distraction to you." She was right. Man! Why are moms so right all the time?!

Though I was scared to death, I posed that dreaded question to him and told him why I needed to know. It felt like a glorified version of those notes you quickly pass your crush in the school hallway that say " Do you like me? Circle One - Yes, No, Maybe"

"That's only fair that he tell me. I have to know. If he likes me then that changes everything and we don't need to just keep acting like nothing's up. And if he doesn't like me I can't keep talking to him. It won't be good for me because of my own feelings. Either way. I have to know." I tried to steady my breathing. I sat there on the floor of our laundry room adjacent to the kitchen that my mother still stood in cooking. It was agonizing waiting for him to finish typing. It seemed like an hour. 

He was probably trying to break the "just friends" thing to me but didn't know how because he was unsure if it would hurt me or not. As I decided upon this, he finally finished and sent his answer.

"Let me tell you a story...."

He went on to tell me a funny story about his friend Reece going to ask the dad of this girl that he liked, Hannah, to be in a relationship with her. I held my breath. It seemed unreal but this was kind of the grand reveal {almost} that he did have serious feelings for me...wasn't it?! Why ELSE would he have chosen to tell me that story?!?! In the agonizing minutes waiting for his response I passed the time with driving myself mad with racing thoughts. 

"What I'm trying to say is, Reece was put on the spot."

I tapped my feet and bit my nails. Typing. Typing. Typing. Typing. TREVOR RUBY WAS TYPING.

"And since I'm being put on the spot like Reece...."

I wanted to throw the phone. The dot dot dot thing was literally KILLING me. Fifteen minutes between short sentences that should have flowed seamlessly together...seriously?!

Then there it was.

"I would have to say....I would have to say I'm very interested in you and praying about it. I'm seeking the Lord and looking for peace in the matter....to know that the Lord is on my side on this." 

I finally let out a huge sigh of relief. I felt like happily weeping but instead I just laughed and smiled crazy big and let him know that, in that case, because the feeling was mutual...he needed to talk to my dad before we talked anymore. "That's also fair." He replied.

He said he would need to talk to his pastor, Charles Leiter first. "Maybe he won't whack me with a big stick. ;)"

I continued to laugh and smile and bask in the mind blowing glow that was rushing over me. Finally.

He said he had to go because he was late for Bible Study. I thought maybe he was preparing to talk to Charles then and there after everyone left the Bible Study but I wasn't really sure. Maybe not. Either way he was going to sometime. That night, several hours later I received,

"May I have your dad's contact info?"

It felt so odd and surreal as I typed in Daddy's cell phone number and sent it. 

"I just gave him my dad's number. He's gonna talk to his pastor! And then he's gonna talk to my dad!!! About ME! Because....he's interested...in me!" I had a smile so wide my cheeks ached. Finally. Something certain, something real. No more guessing. I liked him and that Georgia boy, he liked me back. :)

to be continued

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part six

I didn't know where to turn to.

See, somehow I can't forget you,

After all that we've been through.

I couldn't turn on the TV,

Without something that'll remind me

Was it all that easy

To just put aside your feelings?

| better in time - leona lewis |

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five

I cried until I didn't think I could possibly cry anymore. Then I just sat there feeling completely empty. I was kind of shocked and confused that I was that devastated. I had never really thought him talking to me was a big deal...like, I always felt like it was something I could take or leave and it didn't make that much of a difference to me either way...but all of a sudden the thought of not talking to him and him not talking to me seemed like the most miserable thing I could ever imagine! I did like this guy! Oh gosh, how I liked him! And apparently he liked me too! I mean...that is what idolizing someone usually implies, right? I didn't really know. Maybe. Maybe he just idolized my conversation and friendship because he was lonely...his roommate Colin had been pretty absent seeing as though he was often out and about dating his new girlfriend Tori. That was a possibility too, I supposed. 

I told Mama and Daddy about his email. They both agreed I should respond soon. I prayed for wisdom and grace to use the right words. The tears continued to flow as I read and reread his email several times before writing my response. 

I said I understood and that, though it would be hard and I cried just thinking about it, I agreed that not talking for awhile would be a wise decision because I had admittedly been idolizing him as well. It was so so hard...one of the hardest things I've ever done. Things seemed pretty blah...I didn't know what to do or think or say. I felt broken...shattered. I think it was worse because I was so uncertain of what he felt and I had been in denial the whole time about how I had been feeling. On top of all of that I was still extremely sick! Mega bummer on all levels.
The next few days were dark, dreary, pitiful, and pathetic. I sat on the couch, blankly staring at the TV but appearing to be "watching" my new Lord of the Rings trilogy that I had been stoked about when I had found them a few weeks prior for less than $2 a piece! But now it was just noise and moving pictures that went on for hours that at least kept me from being in silence, sometimes coughing until I couldn't breathe, other times randomly bursting into tears remembering what had happened. It was an extremely low time, let me tell ya. :( 

After almost a week had past I was far from well but ready to get out of the house. Our church was having a Thanksgiving dinner/hayride and I decided, well or not well, I was going! I needed human interaction. Everyone else went on the hayride but Rachel stayed back with me and I told her what was going on. (That's what best friends are for, people!! Never underestimate them!!)
"Woa. This is deep stuff." she said once I was finished venting while holding back tears as best I could. She and I both decided it very well could have been that he didn't like me...he had just gotten carried away and gave me the wrong idea so decided he needed to back off. The more we talked about it the less likely it seemed to me that he could like me. Which made me extremely sad but not so weepy...I was finally resolved that I needed to get over him. Easier said than done but I had done it before and I would do it again...problem was, the more I thought about it the more I realized I had never liked a guy quite like Trevor.
I had always liked guys that I knew I shouldn't, to my shame. I had liked them all for selfish reasons or to be rebellious because I felt all big and bad doing it. But this case was entirely different. Against everything that I would've generally chosen for myself, there was Trevor. 
He was short -- I liked tall guys.
He had brown eyes -- I've always preferred blue.
He was 26 for crying out loud! But I admired that he wasn't a "fake it til you make it" unbeliever that was professing to be saved and he wasn't a weak Christian. He was sweet, funny, kind, interesting, cool, thoughtful...Like I said...he was basically everything the other guys I had liked were not. I didn't really want to like him, but I did! A lot! And just when that became totally clear, I had to stop.
Exactly a week after his email, Mitchell and Brandi (my cousins) were on our doorstep with the most adorable beagle puppy I think I have ever seen. He came right to me and curled up in my arms. My first instinct reaction? I started crying. While I sat teary eyed completely enraptured with this little mass of sweetness, Mitchell and Brandi told me I was going to get to keep him for 3 weeks {until Christmas} when they would then give him to Maggie as her Christmas morning gift. The particulars weren't all that important to me. All I knew is that I was sick, my broken heart was trying to decide if it would ever mend again, and now I was holding a puppy. I really really needed this puppy. The Lord is very merciful and unique in giving us small joys to be thankful for even in the midst of trials and confusion. I mean, yeah, it was just a puppy and what I was dealing with was kind of huge...pretty much the biggest trial I could ever remember facing...but nevertheless, I felt a little better for the first time in a while. 

After they left I just stared at him in my arms and grinned incessantly, as he slept soundly in my lap. I took an Instagram picture of him to let the world know of my happiness. Rachel commented, "Awwww! This is exactly what you needed!" She knew it just like I knew it. It was time to be happy about something. :)
I posted the picture on G+ and to the caption I had copied from the Instagram post I impulsively added, "I totally needed this!" No one else would really understand why I said that...besides Rachel...and maybe him...if he saw it. Deep down I wrote those words half hoping he would see it. So he would know I was hurt but could still be happy without him. (You know, the pathetic, dramatic, seemingly tough girl-power proclamation of "I'm stronger than that! I don't need boys to make me happy! Who needs boys when you have puppies!?" ha.) But there was, of course, no guarantee that he would see it.
He had completely disappeared from the face of the social media earth it seemed. No posts, he hadn't liked anything...anywhere. No YouTube activity (yes...I stalked his YouTube activity feed...no judging. Desperate moping girl here.) And he hadn't been online anywhere...believe me, I checked pretty much every minute. But if he did get online, he would see that I was having my emotional pain soothed with my new buddy, Charlie! 

Honestly, it was silly. I was clearly depending on what he did or didn't do to gauge how emotionally stable I was. That aspect, I'll admit, was wrong. Very wrong. Truth is, I have ultimate joy in Christ that can never be added to or taken away from because it is infinite and perfect. The real truth was I was "stronger than that" because of Christ. It wasn't the puppy that made me able to be happy without Trevor, it was Jesus Christ. I wish I would've grasped that more at the time.
My circumstantial happiness was subject to minute-by-minute changes. Like how when Rachel sent me a chat letting me know Trevor had +1 the picture of Charlie and I on G+ and I once again started weeping. "Well what does that mean?!" I sobbed as I glared at his picture in my notifications. "You can't possibly know what you're doing to me!!" I said through clenched teeth.
Granted, I was hormonal, and sick, and confused which just added to my natural tendency to be on the emotional side of things when everything around me isn't deciding to crash down all at once.
The next morning proved to be even worse. He had posted a YouTube video at almost 1 in the morning (worse time to make any rash/impulsive decisions or movements on social media...or the Internet period, I must say.) It was of him singing along nonchalantly (and almost teasingly) to a Johnny Cash song. The words stabbed into me like a thousand knives. "I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. It ain't me babe, no no no, it ain't me you're looking for." He had as the description, "For those who think I would make the perfect husband."
I was speechless, and breathless, and felt like throwing up. I started to laugh because it was so stupid but my laugh turned almost immediately into...you guessed it...more hysterical crying. Then I got angry. Very angry. It just seemed so unlike him. It was so...so...cruel! And rude! And weird! And hurtful! "Look, I get it! You don't like me! But just because you apparently picked up on the fact that I did like you, you didn't have to make fun of my feelings and use something as tacky as this to give me the hint that it would never work out!!" I shouted this at the computer screen as the video continued to last forever it seemed, by the way. I called and asked my dad to watch it. His interpretation was the same. It was a way to tell me to get over him....that was in very bad taste. I sent it to Rachel to get her opinion. She freaked out too. For a split second I thought of another conclusion that could possibly be true. "Maybe he's just saying that he will never be the perfect husband because nobody is perfect. Cause I mean...he's just not that...heartless, normally." I loved that new thought. It fit him better. But it seemed too obvious. Not outlandish and uncalled for and unbelievable enough for my over-the-top, dramatic, highly-analytic thought process at the time. So I went back to sorrowfully believing that he must've had a complete out of character experience and chose to hurt me for my own good. {Oh yeah, that really made sense.}
That afternoon I saw that he was online. Agreement to not talk or not, he had some explaining to do. 
I sent him a chat that said, "Listen...I know what you said about avoiding each other for a while but, we need to talk about something." He replied with a, "Yes ma'am." I started typing again but before I could get any thoughts written and sent, he sent a link to a video he had just posted and said, "If you saw my video from last night, this will probably help." The new video was him explaining why he made the Johnny Cash video in the first place. Good news is, he realized it was silly and tried to cancel the upload. Bad news is, it posted anyways. All in all, he was dealing with his own thought process and having a little fun with it...no big deal. {Correction...it had become a huge deal in my heart by this point...repairs were slowly being made but damage had been done.} We talked a few unclear things out and it didn't take me long to realize he was just as confounded as I was. He couldn't clearly define to me what aspect of me he'd been idolizing. He tried to clarify some things and I felt better after we talked and yet things didn't really feel all that different. He basically told me he loved talking to me but he feared it was just being a huge distraction in my life so he couldn't do that to me.
"Oookay, not that I mind your distractions but I think I understand." I thought to myself as I watched him type and type...obviously struggling with what to say and convey to me. Finally we left it at the point of going back to not talking because he didn't want to get emotionally attached or something along those lines. He was glad I understood {or at least, I said I did but I'm not really sure that was a fully honest statement.} 
The next week seemed to pass much easier for me. He didn't like me, plain and simple. I had a puppy to take care of and overall I had a loving God that was in total control. I was going to be just fine. I didn't feel near as emotional or prone to crying. If I liked something he posted, I +1'd it without shame {never commented though.} Nothing had happened. There had been no real mutual official attachment expressed {or a desire for there to be one expressed}, therefore, acknowledging his presence while safely avoiding direct interaction seemed like a perfectly acceptable system. Sure, my feelings towards him were the same it was still tough stuff, don't get me wrong. I remember vividly relapsing into short periods of weeping when Adele or Colbie Caillat songs would play so I tried to avoid them like the plauge. And one time in particular, I sat at the computer with Charlie in my lap and Better in Time by Leona Lewis came on Pandora. I couldn't hold back. I wept and wept. My dad walked in and was like, "What in the world is wrong with you?" (He, being a man, was not really fully in tune with how truly emotionally traumatized and compromised I was about "losing" this guy...)  I looked up and trying to think fast, blubbered the only response I could think of, "We're gonna have to give Charlie back after Christmas! *deep heaving sobbing breath in* He nodded slightly and left me to my puddles of sorrow. 
But for the most part I was more consistently learning to finally rest in, "Thy will not mine be done." I knew everything was going to work out according to His plan and I was content with that, even if I was battling this "roller coaster" of emotions I had sinfully succumbed to and had almost let take hold of me altogether. And then as the "better days" started piling up, I was joyful and excited in my heart about the future whether my circumstances were bright or not. It was a refreshing time of learning...peace. I wrote a poem about it. I was determined not to be a moper any longer. 

Rachel and I on December 10th. Choosing rather to be coping not moping! :)

Then. The night of 12/12/12, while Mama and I were cooking supper. We stood in the kitchen chatting away. I was smiling and thinking the same thing in the back of my head that I had been thinking for days. "Wow. I'm gonna be okay. I'm doing this. I'm getting better." Then Mama glanced down at the phone screen and nearly shrieked. She gasped, grabbed the phone and held it out to me. I had received a message on the G+ Messenger. One word that would turn my whole demeanor (and eventually my world) upside down instantly. I read it, and  all the "jelly limbs" and "tummy butterflies" came rushing back with all fervor and I knew, I was in for it. The word? The word was:


(Doing this part in two sub parts...lol. Next part coming tomorrow morning! Just wanted y'all to be left hanging for a leeetle bit between these two sections. hehe ;)) 

I'M ENGAGED!! : our proposal story // northeast, tx wedding, portrait, and lifestyle photographer

It is love from the first 

Time I pressed my hand into yours 

Thinking, 'Oh, is it love?'

Oh, say, wouldn't you like to be

Older and married with me?

Oh, say, wouldn't it be nice to

Know right now that we'll be

Someday holding hands in the end.

|  hellogoodbye - oh, it is love  |

For all those that are following along with the story of how "Trevor + I" came to be, I am planning on finishing that story. Don't worry! ;) But I thought you might all like to hear this story right away!

I've had my fair share of dreams and expectations of what a serious relationship with someone would look like before I was in one. It would take time to know if they were "The One" I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to be surprised once the time came for the guy to ask me "The Big Question." So surprised, I didn't even want to know that he was planning to ask to marry me or that he was even thinking about marriage! (Dreams...remember I said dreams.)

And then the serious relationship thing happened to me. 
Oh boy. My dreams were crushed and forgotten in the most wonderful of ways. Things happened so much differently than I had foolishly expected. Different as in both infinitely more challenging and yet infinitely better. One of the most shocking parts was how quickly I knew I wanted to marry Trevor. How positively sure I was. It wasn't an "Oh, that would be nice. I like him a lot" feeling. It was a "Dear Lord, please let me marry him. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else this much." I fell hard and I fell fast. I wanted to be this man's wife more than anything I had ever wanted before. 
Thankfully he's a very honest person and he doesn't really hold on to what he's thinking. So when he was open about feeling the same way I knew I was in for a crazy ride. After all, I was only 17 at the time! My parents were (are) very protective and wanted this whole process to go slow and honor God. That was all fine and good with us but when you're barely two months in and you are both very sure you want to get married in the end...the waiting process became, once again, different than I expected. 

But the days with him were bright, and fun, and new, even if they were mingled with hard, trying, confusing days. Our souls were both tested to, what seemed like, the breaking point many times. And yet, we waited. We knew this is what we wanted and it didn't matter. Some people go many more months than we had...years even! By the grace of God we would endure. And, Lord willing, we would wake up one morning and find ourselves husband and wife.

Time did move on (slow though it was.) Month after month passed. Summer was ending. Engagement seemed less like a far in the future plan and more like a, "Maybe in the fall," type plan. Though it had been tossed around several times in conversation, Trevor officially asked my dad (which I knew) and was given permission to get a ring (which I knew.)
The thing is, even after all this time and changed dreams and new joys, I was still sure of something.
I wanted to be surprised. And he wanted to surprise me.
Problem is, surprising me was going to be one of the toughest feats he's ever accomplished. I was the un-surprisable girlfriend. I love being surprised but I hate being in the dark about stuff! Things weren't falling into place to his advantage either. 
One of the first times I ever heard Rachel talk about "Trevor Ruby" I remember saying, "Awww! His last name is Ruby? It may be slightly cheesy but I think it'd be adorable if he ever gets married for him to give the girl a ruby engagement ring! That'd be soooo cute and awesome!" Fast forward to a month or two after that same Trevor Ruby and I were in a relationship and during a phone conversation he said, "Look, I'm not trying to rush things cause I have no idea if we'll get married....but just to have advice from a girl...if I ever get married, would it be silly to give her a ruby engagement ring?" I thought to myself, "Yep. We're meant to be. Already had that thought like ten months ago, dude."
(Disclaimer: That's not what was the deciding factor for me.) ;)
So when it came to looking for a ring, I already knew it would be a ruby. The first place he went to was his mom. Her last name is ruby too so surely she had one. ;) Turns out she had two of them! She said one was dark and one was light. I wanted the dark one. No doubt about it. I have a soft spot for deep dark red rubies. They seem more real than fuchsia or pinkish ones. If I was going to wear a ruby on my finger for the rest of my life, I wanted ever-so-much for it be that kind. The way Trevor said she talked about it, it didn't sound like it would be a very pretty ring but the stone was big and dark and he could do whatever he wanted with it. So in the mail from Georgia to Texas it went!
The day he got it in the mail we were both very excited. We were one step closer to our dream come true! 
Because, from what we thought, the ring was not going to be anything spectacular he decided I could see it. It wasn't ruining the surprise for me because all that would be used from this ring would be the stone.
Ha. That was a funny joke. 
As he pulled off the lid of the box and we leaned in to look we both quickly jerked back up and looked at each other. Almost in unison we whispered, "Oh no. It's beautiful."
Soooo, we loved it. I mean loved it. It was perrrrfect. I loved the setting, I loved the color...everything! Gosh, I was ready for him to stick it on my finger right then and there and call it a done deal! 
But the more we talked about it the more ideas I had for changing it up so that it would be a unique, "never before and never again" type of ring. However, we kept running into the same thing. I loved the top of it. Its magnificent. There were too many possible routes we had brewing in our minds. Spoiled surprise or not...I was going to have to go with him to the Jewler to design it. 

I walked in nervously as the bell that rings when someone opens the door jangled above me. I gulped. "How does someone act when they come to look at rings? Or more specifically...come ask a jeweler to remake one? Was it going to be wildly expensive? Was it gonna end up ugly? Does this mean I'll really be getting engaged soon?! Snap out of it, Trevor's talking to someone at the front desk!" 
There he was trying to discuss with the girl behind the shiny, brightly lit, glass counter full of sparkles what our game plan was. It was a silver ring but I wanted gold because I have my great-grandmother's gold wedding band that I plan on using for my wedding band. Could we overlay the silver with gold? The look she gave us clearly indicated a big no. And I wanted the band thinner...it was a bit too thick. Three rows of five little diamonds on each side of the shank and the way the top was set almost gave it the appearance of a class ring. But I loved the setting. No protruding stone. No prongs. Not quite an oval and not quite a circle. YES PLEASE. The explanation became so jumbled and full of details that she finally said, "Let me just go get Randy, the owner." 
We waited for a few minutes before a pleasant looking middle aged man came out of a back room, hand outstretched for a handshake and a smile. He was more than happy to hear all of our tangled web of ideas and he clarified and gave input in all the right places. Within 15 minutes we had all complied an imaginary ring sure to be breath-taking. But the price tag....what would it be?? 
We paced back and forth as Randy went back to his office to do some "calculations." 
My dad's mom had given us a few old gold rings that she didn't want anymore so we were able to apply that gold to the whole ordeal (knocking the price down!) We wanted the top to stay the same so the whole ring would not have to be remolded or recast. I wanted the diamonds on the current shank to be used as the detail for the new shank. Sure enough, all our thrifty thinking and loop holes paid off! The price scratched onto the slip of paper Randy brought us showed a number well inside Trevor's budget! Praise God!
Now the ring was ordered. They didn't give us an estimated time they just said they would call him. Maybe I actually could be surprised now. It could be finished at any time and I wouldn't know it. 
Weeks passed. There was no way for me to know the progress of that little beauty so I sorta forgot about it. "Let the surprise come to you....just don't stress." I told myself.
That is until I overheard my mom on the phone with the jewelry shop....asking about the order. It had been almost 6 weeks. She sounded worried. So he didn't have it yet and they weren't finished. "It'll be ready Monday or Tuesday? Ok...great! Thanks so much!" 
Snap. I heard that. Now I know it'll be ready next week....making it that much harder for this whole thing to take me off guard. 
The next week, mine and Trevor's friend, Michael came to visit! He and all the festivities that came with his visit were definitely a distraction and, once again, I nearly forgot about knowing anything! But then Thursday was Thanksgiving. He, Michael, and my dad had to "run to town" the day before...for no apparent reason. Who was I kidding...I knew they had gone and gotten it! They must have! 
Which meant he could do it...now! At Thanksgiving! At my grandparents' house with all my dad's family there! I excitedly painted my nails to match the holiday (orange + gold...ha) and curled my hair with extra care. It was a tiny hope but I clung tightly to it. The whole day passed. Nothing happened. But I was okay! I knew it was just a matter of time! I will probably feel like this lots of days...for a while...until he finally asks! Friday came...and went by. All my mom's family were in town because we were going to have Thanksgiving with them on Saturday. My mom and I went to my Mam-maw's house Friday night to hang out since my twin cousins from Austin had just gotten there and my Aunt Dana, who lives down the street, came too. We had chicken and dumplings and I teased everyone (when they asked me how things were going with Trevor) that I might very soon be wearing an extra piece of jewelry and calling him something else besides my boyfriend. ;) They all laughed. Of course...they didn't know that I knew that he actually had a ring and really was going to propose soon probably. But it was fun to make light of it...instead of being anxious about it like I was tempted to do. ;) 
The next morning when I woke up I walked to my back door and the sun shone brightly through the glass. It was just rising. It was beautiful. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the sun rise when it wasn't a day that I was rushing to work and not fully enjoying it. I had time to pray and when I opened my Bible I realized the passage I was going to read was Ecclesiastes chapter 3.

"For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under Heaven. . . He has made everything beautiful in its time." 

Oh. It hit me hard. This life that He had blessed me with. From my salvation to this moment sitting here over my Bible with fluttering thoughts about getting engaged being right on the brink of reality for me...it was beautiful! Achingly so! And set in a particular God appointed time too! All of it! 

"If I could choose a day to be engaged," I thought, "I would choose today!"

Then later, when I was getting ready for the day Mama came into my room and said, "You want me to just tell him to ask you today?" I laughed nervously. My stomach was in knots. That would be amazing!! But how would I be surprised if I knew it was going to be today?? He came over so that he could drive behind my parents on the way there and I could ride with him. As I left the hosue...I felt pretty. I liked my hair, my makeup, my outfit...it was a warm, happy feeling. And he looked cute too!! It was one of those, stop and stare at him a few extra seconds kinds of cute! I held his free hand tight as he drove. And the thought kept cropping up, "If only it could be today." 

His house is in between mine and my Aunt's (where we were having Thanksgiving) and right before we passed it he said, "You wanna see your Christmas present?" His smirk and raised eyebrow clearly gave away that he was joking but I countered back, "Yeah! Sure!" He slowed down almost to a complete stop right in front of his house. "Really? You really want me to?" My head was spinning....was he joking or not? Was this it? Is this how it was going to be? Does this sick feeling count as surprised?? 

"Naaah. I won't! Come on...let's go. I was just messing with you!" And with that he accelerated and his house was long behind us. "So the ring is at his house." I tucked that away in the back of mind, knowing that if he left in his car at any time during the day and then came back...he probably went and got the ring. Yep. I wanted to be surprised but I wouldn't be. Every time he was out of my sight I would watch his car like a hawk. There would be no sly getaway. No slight of hand. Despite all that was within me wanting to be oblivious, I was very very aware of what was going on. 

The day drug on and it seemed like today really may not be the day after all! He went on long walks numerous times but that wasn't uncommon for him...and his car (and everyone else's) stayed put when he was absent. I got a bit frustrated actually. At one point I realized I was almost scowling at him because he asked if something was wrong. I gave him one glance and he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Listen, Mare....you are way too snoopy! You're not supposed to know any of this stuff! I'm not ever gonna be able to catch you off guard!" 

So there it was. He wasn't planning on doing it today. He was still thinking of a way to pull off a surprise. And it wouldn't be today. He wasn't leaving. He wasn't going to get the ring. And I wasn't going to get engaged. Or so I thought. ;)  

Around 4:30, my sister Holly, my parents, Trevor, my Uncle, my cousin Mitchell, and I all drove down to Uncle Donald's house which is only a few miles from Aunt Dana's. He had built two big new porches that we hadn't seen and they were awesome! I've talked seriously about getting married somewhere on his 70 acres of good ole' Texas forest/field combo but couldn't solidify how the reception would work. As we stood there under those massive porches, Mama shot me a look. She twirled around and said, "You could dance here. And have food. Basically....a reception." It was so true! As I contemplated that revelation I took the ring I always wear on my right hand off and was fiddling with it. Trevor sat beside me in the porch swing and I handed the ring to him. He loves playing with that ring. He takes it off of me at church, at a restaurant...pretty much any time and place where he's sitting by me. After we had spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes out there we headed back to Aunt Dana's where everyone else was. We walked inside and I was about to go sit down when I felt that strange sensation that is indescribable. I wasn't wearing my ring. I turned to Trevor. "Hey, where'd you put my ring." He held his hands up and it wasn't there. "Don't worry. I bet its in the car." He said. I was going to let him go get it but then I decided to go out there with him. Why not? The light was pretty, the temperature was great, and I wanted to make sure he found it. No reason not to follow him! 

(Yay for following him!!)

As he opened the door on the passenger side I was standing there, not anticipating a thing. It was as if I momentarily forgot getting engaged was even on my radar. He was on his knees fumbling around in the floor board and then, all in one motion, he propped himself up to be on just one knee and reached into his pocket. For a split second I thought he was going to pull out the ring we had been looking for and tease me with a "fake proposal" because he knew how antsy I was. He hadn't gone home so I knew he didn't have the ring. This wasn't what I thought/hoped/wished it was....but then....

I saw red. And shiny. And my heart stopped. I started breathing rapidly and my eyes widened. I must've looked like a terrified 5 year old because in that very moment he did too. For a brief second we were scared, excited children taken aback by what was happening. I felt so little. I blinked hard to try to take it all in....but I could've sworn that I had lived this already....in Kindergarten...with a different boy....and a pipe-cleaner circle. 

Then those words that I've heard a million times in my life but never truly to me came spilling out of his mouth. 

"Will you marry me?" 

And he gently slipped that most beautiful ruby ring ever onto my finger. (My wedding ring finger! Ah!) All the emotions hit me like a train wreck and I fell to my knees, nearly tumbling into him saying "Yes!" as many times as I could. I held his face and started sobbing. Not dab my eyes with a Kleenex cause I'm tearing up. I mean...like this:

 

We stood up and I vaguely realized I was shaking. He held me tightly against his chest as I continued to weep, heart pounding, breaths coming at an ever changing unusual pace and my whole body shook. But between the gasps of breath there was laughter. 

I was happy. So overwhelmingly happy.

And surprised. Very very surprised. Shocked. Taken off guard.

Mission very much accomplished. He was glad to see that as he said, "Woa! I...I surprised you! I really legit surprised you! You're surprised!!" ;)

My abundance of "Yes"s turned to "I'm gonna marry you"s. He smiled and followed each hard-to-understand exclamation I threw at him through the tears with, "I love you." 

And then he took my hand. He sat down in the car and I curled up in his lap like a child. He held me tight and began praying. Crying out to our Lord thanking Him over and over again for His goodness and mercy to us! He prayed for our future together and pleaded that we would bring glory to the Father with our lives together as husband and wife. "We love each other, Father. And you brought us together in your perfect time. Thank you, Father. Thank you. The lines have fallen to us in pleasant places. Thank you." It was by far one of the most glorious things I've ever experienced. I never wanted to leave. It was the most beautiful prayer I had ever heard. As many times as I've thought my heart was going to burst....it truly could have right then and there. 

After about 15 minutes or so we got out of the car and he said, "Well...I guess we should go tell everyone." I suddenly threw my arms around his neck again. "No no! I wanna stay with you!" I was weepy again and the shakes came back. He laughed and took my hand and walked me back up the driveway to the house. 

My attempts to quickly stifle my crying were unsuccessful. I sounded like I was having a heart attack, and an asthma attack, and a panic attack all in one. But I was smiling...so that was a good sign, right? 

Needless to say when I walked in everyone was worried. They all stood up and started asking, "What's wrong with you?! Did you get hurt?! WHAT'S WRONG?!" 

My upheld left hand was shaking so hard they couldn't focus on what I was trying to direct their attention to. My Aunt was the first to see it. "No...NO! Oh oh oh!!" From then on it was a flood of mingled tears, congratulations hugs, and admiring the ring. Then Trevor looked up and saw that the football game that he had been watching was still on. (He's from Georgia....he's a Georgia Bulldogs fan - and his mama is a suuuper big fan) The Dawgs were up against Georgia Tech. Two Georgia teams! College football! Hold everything! He raced into the living room and grabbed the remote to turn it up. "One second, guys! This game is almost over!" The room erupted into laughter as I clung to him...not caring much what he was doing as long as I was there with him. With makeup streaming down my face I clung tight as he watched it go into overtime. 

Then we rushed outside to take pictures. My mom was so nervous and I was still laughing, and shaking, and saying, "Wait! Is this real? IS THIS REAL?!" She snapped away. "I don't know if any one of these are in focus!" She exclaimed. (Most of them aren't but ya know....I still reallyreally love them so much. They capture our story just the way it was!


Then I started yelling, "RACHEL! I HAVE TO TELL RACHEL!!!" And so I texted my best friend. I wanted her to be the first one, outside of who was there, to know. :) <3 And he snapped some pictures to text his parents!! It was all so surreal! Sharing news, I hadn't even grasped myself, with other people! :D


 I kept shaking, and laughing, and crying at different intensity levels as the sun began to set. And then I saw it! One of the loveliest sunsets I've ever seen. My whole day, from sunrise to sunset, had been so much good and pleasant and right. It was perfect. He didn't have a plan....he just waited for the moment to arise. It seemed like everything I did made a surprise more and more impossible and yet...a perfect time did arise. And it was simple, and beautiful, and real, and perfect. Not because of grandeur, not because of a speech (Yeah...sorry....He didn't pull a Mr. Darcy and give me the whole "You have bewitched me body and soul" declaration), but because my Father in Heaven had placed every moment in both of our lives just so to make that magical moment possible. I can't say it enough...Praise God!!

Our hearts are full from all the love, and congratulations we have received since Saturday. To knock a few FAQ's out of the park....we're still in shock...so no decided date just yet. ;) We're thinking Spring to give you a general answer. I haven't chosen too many details yet cause...I'm still waiting to see if this is nothing but a wonderful daydream one of these days ;)  No but really, all the prayers you offer up for us are more appreciated than you will ever know! We haven't finished the battle yet! And the battle won't end on the long awaited wedding day. The dream of marriage will, Lord willing, soon be our everyday life and we know we will need the grace of our Lord showered out upon us more than ever! I'm sure in the weeks to come when planning starts I'll fall off of cloud nine and come back to earth but for now, pardon me....I'm soaring. :)

~Through Christ's Love ♥