Monday, August 19, 2013

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part two

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I just want to know today
Know that maybe I will be okay
I just want to be okay today. 
|| ingrid michaelson ||

For starters. Sometimes when I stop and think about how young I am compared to what I've been through it feels kind of pitiful. And then when I think of how dramatic I am about it all...it feels downright pathetic. While some of it has been inflicted by others, a large portion of the emotional heartbreak and turmoil I've experienced over the years has derived from my own inability to let things go. I just harp on and mull over things in my mind over and over and over again....its like I'm permanently living in Leona Lewis' famous tearjerker ballad. >>> this. the really emotional one, y'all.  
Just thought you should get a peek inside my girly melodramatic heart to help you further understand what's about to be going down in this post.
K. Moving on to where we left off last time.
If you don't know what I mean by "last time" now would be a good time for you to go read part one.

SO! Summer came. I had become Google+ (you know...the conservative child's version of Facebook) friends with a bunch of the people I had met there at the conference. Man, what a thrill to have more than just Rachel and Amanda to like..er...I mean +1 my posts! I was slowly getting to know more about them and them about me. It was great! I realized how wonderful it felt to have my tiny circle of friends grow and flourish and the glorious thing was they were all Christians! :)

 In June we went to Missouri for the wedding of someone from my church that had grown up in the  southern Missouri area. It was kind of a hazy trip for me because I was going back and forth, heart searching, and confused about whether or not I liked somebody. I was trying to get over the thought of it...wondering whether or not they liked me and then pretending like I didn't care. Its like I thought about it particularly this whole trip....I battled emotions and felt like a puzzle that wasn't put together right. We traveled 3 hours north and went to church in Sedalia that Sunday because that is one of the church families from Missouri that the Greenes have known so long. Which means I got to see some of those people I had met in April. It was nice getting to spend more time with them and others who hadn't been able to make it to the conference in Denton. Everyone was so precious and I really benefited from my time with the saints there. I was confounded though over mixed feelings about the weird tug of war that was going on in my heart. As I resolved to be done with these thoughts about this person I was overwhelmed with appreciation for these new guy friends in Missouri. I wondered who I could ever really marry...or who would ever want to really marry me....or if I would ever really get married at all!
I was a mess.
Rachel and Amanda had gotten into a small accident while driving from Richard's wedding to Sedalia. Though both of them were fine, Amanda's car ended up being totaled and Rachel took a lot of pictures of the scene. Once we were back in Texas and things settled back down to pretty much normal, Rachel got a Facebook message from Trevor that he couldn't find those pictures of the wreck that he had heard people talking about. She told him the only way he was going to get to see them was if he got a Google+ account. So, one day soon after, she told me at work that he was officially the newest person we knew that had jumped on the G+ bandwagon and he was free to be friended. I added him to my friends circle once I got home. I expected the favor to be returned fairly quickly because that's how it had worked with everyone else that I added from the conference. It was usually within a matter of hours or a few days at the longest. After a week or so I realized this guy either didn't remember me or was rude. Which meant, quite obviously, he was still a cotton headed ninny muggins! ;)

Sometime in the middle of June he finally added me back. Not that I cared in the least. I was still immovable in my opinion that he wasn't attractive. I remember me and Rachel having a conversation at work about a profile picture of him in which he was wearing a plaid shirt. She was stating that it was a clear representation of how guys look good in shirts like that. I laughed and shook my head. I just wasn't feelin' it. At all. Nothing.
As the days went on I was proud of myself realizing that I wasn't quite so frazzled and attached to the anxiety I had been dealing with about guys and relationships and the like. But then a new fear suddenly flooded my heart...it came out of nowhere like an unexpected tsunami.
Rachel.
Rachel and a guy.
Rachel getting married. 
WHAT!? WHEN!? WHO!? HOW!?
Overwhelming thoughts of, "What if Rachel gets married soon? She's older than me. She knows way more guys than me. Woa. Rachel! In a relationship! What if?!" The very idea of it tore me apart with a strange tornadic mixture of fear and excitement....and more fear. I was thinking, "That's it. She's gonna get married, move off, and leave me here. Alone. Probably doomed to forever singleness. It hasn't happened yet but I bet it's only a matter of time."
Life went on but this new revelation about the possibility of losing Rachel before I could even know what had hit me loomed over like a dark cloud. The thought had legitimately been thought and processed fully for the first time...nothing could ever go back to normal now! I thought about all the guys she knew....straining to put together any pieces of information I could. Truth is, I knew next to nothing on these guys. That, of course, was quickly about to change when it comes to one of those guys.
Yep. That guy.
Beginning of July Rachel and I made a short film in 24 hours to submit into a YouTube film festival hosted by Blimey Cow. In the video my character disappears in order to go buy peaches that are on sale across the street while Rachel's character who is clueless of her friend's departure is busy buying snowcones for us. The video follows her frantic attempts to find me...the ditsy friend who just wanted some fruit.
One day, normal...like any other...July 15th a chat box pops up on my Gmail.
It was Trevor Ruby.



Um. Can we say, RANDOM! I laughed until I cried about that first line. Where in the world did this come from? He's neverrr chatted with me before and this is the first chat? Hilaaarious.
So then...trying to engage in a bit of a banter and poke fun at him {because that's my go-to move when attempting to get to know someone and break the awkward ice} I mentioned something about this rap him and his friends had made in April for his little brother Tyler...which I had watched AND LOVED even having not known them very well.


As I talked to him I suddenly felt a different emotion. I scowled as a new thought occurred to me.
He doesn't know me. He's friends with Amanda and Rachel. He's just talking to me cause I'm the "unknown friend" that everyone is probably silently curious about. Like I'm some sort of circus freak or something! THE AUDACITY!!  "Well you can't trick ME!", I thought. I was miffed.
Clearly I have trust/over exaggeration issues. Clearly I jumped a bit too eagerly into an absurd and hatefully pointed conclusion. Thankfully I did not reply with words that reflected how I was feeling. But I did try to quickly cut the chat short and say goodbye.
The whole conversation was rather bland all in all except for the fact that I accidentally said raping instead of rapping. Yeah. Talk about a pretty awkward and face palm worthy moment.

One night soon after that he randomly popped up in a chat again. It was around 10 o'clock at night and I was up watching the Olympics. {Because that's just what you do when they're on TV and its summer.} He said something about, "Isn't it past your bedtime?"
Seriously. Where is this guy coming from out of nowhere all of a sudden?!
I told him I was watching the Olympics. He kind of tried to make small talk by asking which event I was watching. I didn't elaborate. I stuck to simply answering his question black and white. I was trying to be short and sweet and not lead him on.
Because I didn't like him.
There was no reason why I should try to really feed a conversation with someone I wasn't that interested in conversing with in the first place.
As he told me goodnight he mentioned he had just wanted to tease me because he was signing out and I was the only one still online.
Oh. That's so....cute??
As Providence would have it, it worked out that my family was going to be able to join Rachel's family on their annual Florida vacation. About a week prior to our departure she posted a status about being reeeeeaddddy for the white sandy beaches. :) And Trevor commented on it with shocking news.
His family was vacationing in that area of Florida as well.
At. the. same. time.
Huuuuh?! 
That got to me big time. What kind of goof plans his vacation just so he'll be in the same place on the same week as Rachel and I?! I decided I was gonna scope this one out. It seemed too crazy of a coincidence to be true. So. I actually initiated a chat...with this guy who kept being this reoccurring "thing" all of a sudden. No guy had ever been a reoccurring "thing" like this before....#weird.
I got right to the point and said something along the lines of,
"How random and funny that you just happen to be planning a vacation to Florida the same time as us."
If I could've virtually shone an interrogation light in his eyes as a dramatic bit of punctuation to this question...I would've been aaaall over that.
{Gracious sakes. I'm a tough cookie. Sheesh.}
  He said his mom had actually had this planned for awhile and had asked him about a month ago if he'd like to come spend time with her and his little brother. And he had decided to go.
Hmmm. The conspiracy theory was losing air fast. Dash it all.
"So your family is from Florida?"
"No. My family is from Georgia."
And with that he sent a link to an address in the middle of Georgia.
"I take it that's exactly where you're from. lol"
He replied, "No. It's just some random place in Georgia."
I was confused. I thought he had sent me...like...the place he grew up or something. Apparently not. That's weird. When I said, "Oh. I thought that might be your childhood home or something." He came back with, "Yeah. That's my parents' old house. haha"
Okay. I'm normally very keen when it comes to sarcasm and turn of phrase. I'm quick-witted and pick up on things easily. Sometimes {lots of times} I lean towards being so sarcastic that I have to scale back because some people just don't get it.
I had found myself trapped inside a web of my own kind. Was he being serious or sarcastic? Or both? And which sentence was what? I didn't get what he was saying at aaaalll. So the conversation just dangled there off cyberspace's dreaded and doom-ridden cliff of awkward silences and abrupt endings without explanation. But I couldn't get it out of mind. I didn't understand this dude...not one bit. Was he kidding? Or not? He teased when I didn't expect it and was very literal when I tried to make a joke. Something about us so far was just not clicking apparently. The unanswered questions bothered me enough that the minute I saw him online the next day I initiated a chat again.


We sorted everything out. I laughed because we were going in circles. And we ended on a funny note. That was the first time that I actually thought to myself, "That was kinda fun talking to him....and...hey...he thinks I'm funny." :D
I informed Rachel of these chats and she thought it was the funniest most random unexplainable thing just like I did.
Providence would also have it that his mom was looking for a photographer in the Florida area to take family pictures while they were there. Naturally Trevor told her we were there. And naturally Rachel and I said that we would be up to it. It seemed like it was all just going to work out perfectly....the crazy coincidence was growing!
One day while we were at the beach Rachel said, "I bet he'll like...I don't know...notice you or talk to you when we see him to take their pictures. Since you've been talking to him so much online lately!"
"Ugh! Whatever! I haven't been talking to him so much...it's just been spur of the moment...here and there. And we don't really talk much about...well...anything."
I said it...but I kinda for a split second didn't feel as apathetic as I sounded.
Yeah. Maybe Rachel's right. Maybe he will notice me and talk to me. Maybe. I mean...why wouldn't he? He's the one that keeps trying to talk to me. Not the other way around. What if he....not the "l" word. He can't. He doesn't know me. Hmm. I don't know what his problem is. 
I more or less blew it off. I was at the beach! For the first time in my life! With my best friend! And her family whom I love! I was having a maaarvelous time! There was no time to think about some silly guy that I didn't even know that had been acting weird...I guess....just kinda weird...not that weird...really.
But then when our last day came...the day that we had told him we could meet up for pictures, deep down inside of me there was a tinge of curiosity when I thought about whether or not he would try to talk to me. Before the evening came, I suddenly decided and told Rachel that she should do the pictures solo instead of us doing it together.
"You know him better than I do. And I've been taking videos so my card is almost full. It would just be for the best I think. And it would probably be weird two people doing family pictures at once. Probably. Don'tcha think?"
She saw my point and said that was fine. So the evening came and, spontaneous as it was, we found ourselves there face to face with Trevor, his mom, his little brother Tyler, his mom's boyfriend and the boyfriend's two daughters. We were on the beach out behind The Crab Trap, the restaurant we had eaten at earlier,  and they had gotten there a little late. I stood with Jay and Brad and watched the crazy fast paced {rather hilarious} 15 minute photoshoot take place as the sun set....it got dark quickly and Rachel fought to keep the pictures bright enough.
Like I said, we had just finished eating supper but Trevor and his family hadn't eaten yet so we couldn't really talk long. He was busy talking to Rachel about how lame it was that the time was so short but that it was funny that it even worked out at all. I flattered myself that he probably really would want to talk to me...I mean...it'd only be right since we had had those few chats. It'll happen any second now...
Then he talked to Rachel's dad some and Rachel and I talked to his mom.
Surely he'll come say hi at least. Surely he won't just leave and we'll have said nothing to each other. 
But lo and behold, we didn't even say "hi." I can't even remember if we waved. I'm pretty sure we didn't. They all left and that was that. Our group left soon after and went out for icecream. I tried to completely thrust my mind into a completely different realm as I got into a riveting discussion with Brad about something....it helped me forget slightly that Trevor hadn't even tried to talk to me. I didn't care. He still wasn't attractive. Seeing him in person didn't boost him any higher on the "cute chart." Besides...cute or not...I mean...what kind of guy chats with me randomly and then doesn't even attempt to acknowledge me in person??
Oh silly pride....how dreadful you are.
So. I still wasn't attracted to him and it didn't really matter anyway cause he clearly did not notice me and therefore was not interested in me at all.
Well.
Or so I thought......

{to be continued}


~Through Christ's Love  

21 comments:

  1. ohh i love, love, love this Allix !!!!! <3 really though

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  2. alliiiix :D I love this story. moreeee please. :D :D :D

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  3. Can't wait to read more, Allix!! :)

    Haley :)

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  4. Ahh I'm loving this! :)) I love the way you write Allix! Can't wait for part 3!!

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  5. Maaaan, this is so great!! I can't wait for part 3!

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  6. ahh! you have a way with cliffhangers. more! i want more please! :D

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  7. I'm so excited for you, Allix, and it's seriously pretty challenging to wait to read the next part of your story... =) Blessings and have an awesome day!

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  8. I just can't handle this! WHY!? Why must I wait till part 3? :) I am totally loving this story Allix!

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  9. ALLIX!!!! PLEASE!!!! POST THE REST IN THE MORNING!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR PART TWO FOR SO LONG! AND NOW I MUST WAIT EVEN LONGER!

    please?

    You're killing me,
    Emily

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  10. Wow, you have no idea how much I related to some of this. Our minds can get us into so much trouble, silly things. Next part soon? :-)

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  11. I love reading couples stories. lol,I love yours to death so far!! Excited to read the next part!!!!!

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  12. these are so much fun. can't wait to hear more. :)

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  13. I just loved this a ridiculously HUGE AMOUNT.
    And now you're killing me with having to wait for part three...I mean, come one! :D :P

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  14. Loving these posts/this story wayyy too much. ;D

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  15. Ahhhh! It's so cute! I love it! Can't wait for the next part! :D

    ~Molly~
    mollyslittlecorner.blogspot

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  16. okay, i was only expecting this to be two parts so when i got to the end i was like, "wait... whaaat? she's making us wait LONGER??" ;) but seriously this is the epitome of adorable. i am lovin' your story, allix. you are one blessed gal. xoxo

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  17. the suspense is killing me, girl. AH.

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  18. Ah! The cliff hanger! I can't wait to read more! :)

    Blessings!

    -Madi

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  19. Ohmygosh!!! I have spent the last I-don't-know-how-long reading through part one and part two of this beautiful love story Allix and I can't wait for part three!

    This is truly so sweet (and so cute that I'm giggling and smiling like the hopeless romantic that I am) and I'm looking forward to reading what the Lord has in store for the two of you!

    Keeping you two in my prayers!

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Hey!! You're commenting!! You are so nice :) Thanks for making my day. :D