h o m e is wherever i'm with you : part eight

"You don't have to say a word, to speak to me...
I don’t have to hold your hand to feel you there. 
We don’t really have a plan, but I’m not scared. 
Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe that’s the thing
That's the thing about us."
|| thing about us - steve moakler || 

 To find this series at any time, just click on the button in the left sidebar that says "I fell in love" :) 

If you need to catch up, here are all the individual links:

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven

The next day I was in a thick cloud of "He's gonna call, he's gonna call, he's gonna CALL!" I thought he might've talked with Charles (his pastor) the night before at the bible study so I was preparing myself for him to call my dad any minute. The day passed and I was still going full steam on my high hopes. The next day had me saying, "Yesterday must've been busy for him...so today will be the day!" Another day was soon gone. By this time I was admittedly kind of nervous. What if Charles had advised him strongly against a relationship with me? Surely he would let me know that! By the fourth day I was back to weepiness, tons of anxiety, and pessimistic thoughts. I had told Rachel, since she had known about the depressing email. I felt it best, even in such early and unsure stages to at least let her know things had moved in a more positive direction....maybe. Unless he just freaked out and changed his mind! Monday morning; December 17, 2012; I was at work with Rachel at her dad's dental office as usual. My mom texted Rachel that I needed to call her right away. (Keep in mind I didn't have my own cell phone. ;) ) So, I used the private line at the front desk and called my mom, anxious to see what kind of news awaited me. I said, "Hello?" and her reply was, "Trevor's trying to chat with you!! What do I say?!" My email was open at home and it looked like I was online. She read me his chat, "I have a question...two actually...First one is, what time would be best for me to call your dad?" My entire being was screaming, "NOW NOW NOW! Call him NOW!" But I knew my dad would prefer to be home from work so I told her to tell him anytime after four would be the best. "Okay, second question...should I wear football pads?" I struggled, as Mama read me what he was saying, to contain the smile that was so big it threatened to break my face. Rachel grinned just as big from the chair beside me as I shakingly relayed to her the gist of what was going on. After I took a moment to recover from his adorableness, I told her to tell him "Daddy is tough but its just cause I'm his baby...he wouldn't be mean...just stern maybe." He replied, "Good. Well, at least I made it past Charle's 2x4." (Referring to his teasing fear that upon telling Charles he would be hit with a big stick. ;) ) My heart swooned again. I gripped the phone and whispered to my mom, "Ok, ok...too much cute. I have to get back to work." She was hilariously shook up from having to be the middle man typer and reader. ;) Rachel and I were nothing short of giddy. "He's gonna call today! He's gonna call...TODAY!" I tried to let that officially sink in with full confidence. 

Around 12 or so my mom called me back. I was in the storage room of the office hanging up mandated safety posters so we were free to talk for awhile and I could keeping working. My dad had called Bro. Kevin, one of our pastors and also a best friend of my dad's, to let him know what was going on and to receive some council. Bro. Kevin advised right away that Trevor should come to Texas and meet my parents in person as soon as possible. Discussions over the phone will be good, but that has to happen to get some better ground laid. I started happy crying as Mama told me. It was all so overwhelming! I mean, sure, this was nowhere close to being a sealed deal but at that moment things started really clicking with me. This new year that was coming up I could be in my first real official relationship...ME! Crazy!! 

That afternoon Rachel and I drove to my grandmother's house because Mam-maw had a special night planned for the girls in the family (plus friends ;) ) to get together and make cookies. With all the excitement built up, we had a bit of fun on the way. ;)

Rachel of course was stoked to be there with me as I waited for Daddy, who was now home alone, to call and tell us he had gotten a phone call. It was surreal...exciting...scary....nerve-wracking. Four o' clock came and went. "Well...so he isn't the type that would wait to call exactly after 4." I thought nervously to myself. I wondered how nervous he was. He was probably terrified if I was as scared as I was and I wasn't even having to do anything! As if in response to my thought process at about 5:30 he did a post on Google Plus..."Sometimes I wish I could have a pinch hitter in real life. Someone to just tell you, 'Okay buddy, go out there and get in the game!' Should've asked for one of those for Christmas last year." Rachel and I squealed and she exclaimed, "That's totally about calling your dad! He's scared!" I laughed as she then put in a comment the words of motivation he had jokingly asked to hear, "Ok, buddy! Go out there and get in the game!" He quickly deleted the post after that. "Maybe that'll help!" Rachel teased. "Or maybe it'll freak him out even more knowing we're all waiting around for him to get in the game," I worried. I wasn't much help to the cooking baking crew. I burnt all of mine that I was in charge of and I begged them all to cut me a bit of slack. "My chocolate chip cookies are usually awesome and y'all know it! I'm just not usually waiting for a potentially life changing phone call!" It got later and later. My mom got phone calls from my dad several times but never with the big news. Rachel finally had to go because it was getting late. My mom had just gotten off the phone with my dad when Rachel left. Because she didn't say anything I assumed he had still had nothing to share. I sat down in the floor and leaned back, resting my head on the wall. My eyes welled up and my Mama asked me what was wrong. "I just....I just....I really thought he was gonna...*sniff*...call tonight." The few tears stung my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back.
"Well good," She said frankly, "'Cause he did."
"WHAT?!" My jaw dropped and my heart rate skyrocketed!

"They talked for about 2 hours. Right before 7 is when he called and they just got off the phone."
It all seemed like a dream. My dad had talked on the phone with Trevor Ruby for two hours! WHAT?! Daddy called me soon after and told me about the whole conversation. He said it went very well, Trevor was extremely respectful and was very insistent that Daddy oversee the guidelines as the father. He was surprised by how young I was...he had just found out a few weeks before he called...and yet, he still called.
The joy of recounting this story now that we're (SPOILER ALERT) married is that I've been able to get some insight on what was happening on his side of things compared to my side which I kept jotted down in my journal. He told me that he had been confiding in his roomie and good friend Colin about his feelings for me. He remembers saying to Colin, "Man! I don't know...is she too young?? I mean I am 26 years old and she's....how old is Rachel Greene? They're the same age right? And Rachel is like 20. 6 years difference...is that too much?!" He said Colin just started laughing and said, "Dude...she's 3 years younger than Rachel. She's only 17!" Trevor said he immediately thought "Oh no! What am I doing!" But the more he thought about it and prayed about it he realized, it didn't seem to phase his feelings for me. The least he could do was try, right? 
 So! Back to my phone conversation with my dad...He said Trevor told him he was still very much seeking the Lord's will in this and praying fervently about it because he wasn't sure if it was the path God was guiding him towards or not. They talked some about a few of their doctrinal differences, along with things they didn't necessarily directly disagree with but just things that our church did that his didn't and vice versa. Overall the vibe Daddy gave me from the whole talk was more positive than negative but he wanted to handle it neutrally so as not to get my hopes up.
My older sister Holly and I spent the night with Mam-maw and we stayed up all night (literally...all night) talking. I felt like I would never, maybe could never sleep again! ;) My mind and heart were full to overflowing. He did a post later on about being thankful for encouragement from new brethren and I smiled knowing he was talking about my dad. :) He deleted it later; it was becoming a pattern that I was picking up on. He seemed to post either slightly or very pointed things directed at me or our situation in general and he then almost always deleted it soon after. He must've been just as bewildered as I was! ;) The next day he went to Georgia to spend Christmas with his family as I "Christmas'd it up" with my own. :)

As the week went on, it felt like a month had passed and Mama and I started getting antsy. We wondered when he was planning to call again. He and Daddy had agreed to talk at least once a week. Lo and behold, Daddy got an email from Trevor asking what time he could call. Much to our surprise and contrary to how long it felt, it had only been four days since the original call when they talked for the second time. In the midst of all this I wrote out Philemon 4-7 in calligraphy. (Flashback) During the week of gloom after the email that ripped my heart to shreds we were doing Bible study one night and we happened to be reading Philemon. I don't believe I've ever truly read that book. But that of all books, is exactly what I needed. It brought such warmth and joy to my heart. The Lord used it in a very sweet way to comfort me. Verses 4-7 brought Trevor to my mind in such a bittersweet way. And then verse 15 jumped out at me..."For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for awhile, that you might have him back forever." I'm certainly not a fan of twisting Scripture out of context to make it fit where and how we want it to...but this just rested on my heart and gave me peace...not necessarily that in being separated from Trevor for a while would mean I would get him back forever...but more so that there was a purpose, God had a purpose, even if the separation was incredibly painful.
So, like I said, Philemon was an unexpected little jewel whose value I treasured that night.
Now! Back to me writing the passage in calligraphy....after I made the picture I put it between two pieces of cardboard, wrapped it in brown paper, addressed it all pretty and sent it off to 2 Shady Lane in Kirksville. Merry Christmas to Mr. Ruby. :)

However, I did not take into account how long he would be gone from his and Colin's house. I did not think about all the snow and rain and that poor defenseless little package probably taking the blows of it all. Colin was in Columbia so he could be no help and I didn't feel very comfortable with anyone knowing about me sending Trevor a package anyway. So I had to wait to hear the fate of my little gift. One of the days he was in Georgia he posted a 15 minute long video of himself taking a tour of his mom's showroom for her business Just Got 2 Have It. "For you." Mama assured me. He liked and commented on lots of fun love songs on YouTube. "So they would show up in his activity feed for you to see" my mom would say. Somehow she was always able  to find a way to trace all his actions back to me. It was a dizzyingly fun time trying to pick up on all his hidden messages and dropped hints....since he wasn't allowed to directly contact me in anyway. All these things helped to rid my mind of the picture I was imagining of a ridiculously pitiful soggy package on his doorstep in Missouri. He stayed away from Kirksville for so. long! I messaged Colin quickly to ask if he or Trevor was going to get home from their families' Christmases first and he said Trevor was getting back first. Which meant if the package was ruined, he would find it alone and not with Colin which would be kind of lame and humiliating. Talk after talk went well between him and Daddy. They went head to head on their doctrinal difference, digging deeper to evaluate if these were deal breakers or things that could be accepted. It was good for both of them learning how to handle the issue with kindness, respect, and love as brothers in Christ. He did eventually get back to Kirksville...and thankfully I was to be informed of the status of that package. When looking at YouTube the day after he got home I found this video::

The package wasn't ruined...praise the Lord! I nearly died from the cuteness of the video. It was downright precious and made my heart feel like it was squeezed to death. He sounded so genuinely excited and just plain giddy to be opening something from me. It was some of the clearest evidence of his interest for me that I'd ever witnessed up to that point. I'm sure he was not expecting for that video to be as popular as it turned out to be. ;) Of course Rachel and I watched it a ton of times and every time I turned around Mama wanted to watch it again. ;)
So the big news after that was his travel to Texas plans. He had been planning on flying here but started to consider whether tickets would be too expensive for such a short trip. Then he tossed around catching a ride with a man there in the church in Kirsville who was planning to visit his son in the Dallas area at the end of February. That was his plan for a few days but then when he talked to my dad he finally settled on driving down February 1st and spending all February 2nd with them....because he couldn't stand waiting until the end of the month. ;)
So the date was set! He would be coming to Texas, my parents began compiling a list of a million questions to ask him and they honestly looked forward to getting to hang out with and getting to know him in person. I tried to fathom what I would do while they were with him....I would be home pretending to be chill and probably stopping to pray for them every 5 minutes. Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah. The only catch to this delightful little powwow with Trevor was that I wasn't allowed to be there. My dad wanted it to be as "distraction-free" as possible. So now I was waiting on yet another life-changing conversation...that I could have no hand in or control over!
Talk about some faith building.
I suppose the real tester for me was not being able to talk to him! I had already gone through such a roller coaster already! I fought daily with the fears of "What if he doesn't really like me as much as I like him?!" My mom was my constant cheerleader through it all..."He wouldn't keep talking to Daddy if he didn't like you! He wouldn't be planning to come all the way to Texas to see us if he didn't like you a lot!" But February 1st was still nearly a month away! Along with being my personal cheerleader, she also joined in 100% on my anticipation. I have in my journal on January 8th her saying, "Why does time have to be going soooo sloooow! Why can't it be February already?!" I had to lovingly remind her that she was the one getting to see him then...I would be having to wait even longer. ;) The phone dates with my dad were sure and steady...they hardly ever skipped a week, and normally talked more than once a week...for up to 3 hours at a time! My dad always made me wait in my room or he would leave the house when they talked. He didn't want me eavesdropping I guess. It's funny now to think about how guarded the whole thing was but I know that at this point things were still very much undecided. My dad could honestly pull the plug at any moment if there was any red flag. It sounds strict and over the top, but a father has to use some necessary caution when a 26 year old man that he has never met suddenly has interest in his 17 year old daughter. It felt like torture to us then, but I know the situation was a huge mountain for my dad to access and climb.
Those times in my room were always pretty hilarious...I've never been one to spend much time in my room so finding myself in there for hours at a time always made things interesting. I'd clean up, read, listen to music, work out, pace the floor trying to ascertain whether an ultra long conversation was more likely a good sign or a bad sign. When I was finally freed from my "cell" I always tried not to be too eager as I allowed Daddy to share at his own pace, knowing he doesn't like to be rushed or pressured. Though he would beat around the bush for about 10 minutes with jokes like, "Weeell...I wouldn't say it went really good...I mean it was okaaaay..." Inside, I was screaming and kicking and this >> 
He would finally spill the beans that he enjoyed the conversation very much and was pleased with everything that had been said. He always asked Trevor lots of questions and never seemed to receive an answer that warranted any major concern.
One of the sweet bits of reprieve that kept me hopeful was our secret means of semi-communication...YouTube. No, not like vlogging or any such thing...but our activity feeds. Because we were subscribed to each other's channels, I could see when he liked a video and vice versa. This, for two people who were constantly thinking about one another but had no way to directly express that in words, became pretty useful and fun. Such songs like Hesitate, Hurts like Heaven, Can't Take my Eyes off of You, (What a) Wonderful World, To Whom it May Concern, Talk, Bloom, Ho Hey, and Your Song were slyly exchanged like notes in class. Where there's a will, there's a way...and I guess you'd say that we had a lot of will.

to be continued

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part seven

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six

All my, "I'm gonna be a'okay" feelings melted away all at once and all the jitters and shakes and even those pesky butterflies were back in business for sure. As if I was calm, cool, and collected I sent back, "Hey :)"

Something deep inside me felt like this conversation was about to be a big deal. Something big was going to happen...I just knew it! He was typing...

"So, I don't know what I'm looking for, like a letter to fall from the sky saying its okay to talk to Allix..."

I melted. Like a candle near a flame, like snow in the summer sun, like butter in a hot frying pan. My insides fluttered and flittered and my palms got sweaty. "He's been wanting to talk to me." I gulped. "But why?" The giggly feelings halted. I needed to reign it back in. My thought process sped forward. "Our conversations had just gotten so common the abrupt end to them has probably just been an uncomfortable life adjustment for him. He probably just misses me as a friend, that's all." The walls I had taught myself to begin building began to slowly rise again. As I thought; he kept typing.

He wanted to know if him not talking to me had been helpful. {We talked as if it had been months...not the several days or weeks it had truly been. ;)} I was brutally honest. I said it had given me lots of time to pray and evaluate my feelings but it had hurt and been hard. However, I knew life wasn't supposed to be all rosy, peachy keen, and easy so in the whole grand scheme of things I was doing okay. He laughed. I asked if it had helped him. He couldn't say for sure...he didn't really know. Basically he didn't like not talking to me so he didn't know how to answer my question. Was it hard on his flesh but good for his spirit? He couldn't really tell.

"He misses me. Whether its as a friend or more than that...I don't care. He misses me." Either way, that made my heart get all warm and fuzzy and sentimental. Just like a girl. ;) 

He then asked if him continuing to talk to me would be a huge distraction for me. *Face Palm*

"Something's gotta give! We can't keep going back and forth with this!"

Mama looked me straight in the eye and said, "You have to ask him what his intentions are. That is the only way you'll be able to clearly interpret his conversation. And that will also determine whether or not it's a distraction to you." She was right. Man! Why are moms so right all the time?!

Though I was scared to death, I posed that dreaded question to him and told him why I needed to know. It felt like a glorified version of those notes you quickly pass your crush in the school hallway that say " Do you like me? Circle One - Yes, No, Maybe"

"That's only fair that he tell me. I have to know. If he likes me then that changes everything and we don't need to just keep acting like nothing's up. And if he doesn't like me I can't keep talking to him. It won't be good for me because of my own feelings. Either way. I have to know." I tried to steady my breathing. I sat there on the floor of our laundry room adjacent to the kitchen that my mother still stood in cooking. It was agonizing waiting for him to finish typing. It seemed like an hour. 

He was probably trying to break the "just friends" thing to me but didn't know how because he was unsure if it would hurt me or not. As I decided upon this, he finally finished and sent his answer.

"Let me tell you a story...."

He went on to tell me a funny story about his friend Reece going to ask the dad of this girl that he liked, Hannah, to be in a relationship with her. I held my breath. It seemed unreal but this was kind of the grand reveal {almost} that he did have serious feelings for me...wasn't it?! Why ELSE would he have chosen to tell me that story?!?! In the agonizing minutes waiting for his response I passed the time with driving myself mad with racing thoughts. 

"What I'm trying to say is, Reece was put on the spot."

I tapped my feet and bit my nails. Typing. Typing. Typing. Typing. TREVOR RUBY WAS TYPING.

"And since I'm being put on the spot like Reece...."

I wanted to throw the phone. The dot dot dot thing was literally KILLING me. Fifteen minutes between short sentences that should have flowed seamlessly together...seriously?!

Then there it was.

"I would have to say....I would have to say I'm very interested in you and praying about it. I'm seeking the Lord and looking for peace in the matter....to know that the Lord is on my side on this." 

I finally let out a huge sigh of relief. I felt like happily weeping but instead I just laughed and smiled crazy big and let him know that, in that case, because the feeling was mutual...he needed to talk to my dad before we talked anymore. "That's also fair." He replied.

He said he would need to talk to his pastor, Charles Leiter first. "Maybe he won't whack me with a big stick. ;)"

I continued to laugh and smile and bask in the mind blowing glow that was rushing over me. Finally.

He said he had to go because he was late for Bible Study. I thought maybe he was preparing to talk to Charles then and there after everyone left the Bible Study but I wasn't really sure. Maybe not. Either way he was going to sometime. That night, several hours later I received,

"May I have your dad's contact info?"

It felt so odd and surreal as I typed in Daddy's cell phone number and sent it. 

"I just gave him my dad's number. He's gonna talk to his pastor! And then he's gonna talk to my dad!!! About ME! Because....he's interested...in me!" I had a smile so wide my cheeks ached. Finally. Something certain, something real. No more guessing. I liked him and that Georgia boy, he liked me back. :)

to be continued

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part six

I didn't know where to turn to.

See, somehow I can't forget you,

After all that we've been through.

I couldn't turn on the TV,

Without something that'll remind me

Was it all that easy

To just put aside your feelings?

| better in time - leona lewis |

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five

I cried until I didn't think I could possibly cry anymore. Then I just sat there feeling completely empty. I was kind of shocked and confused that I was that devastated. I had never really thought him talking to me was a big deal...like, I always felt like it was something I could take or leave and it didn't make that much of a difference to me either way...but all of a sudden the thought of not talking to him and him not talking to me seemed like the most miserable thing I could ever imagine! I did like this guy! Oh gosh, how I liked him! And apparently he liked me too! I mean...that is what idolizing someone usually implies, right? I didn't really know. Maybe. Maybe he just idolized my conversation and friendship because he was lonely...his roommate Colin had been pretty absent seeing as though he was often out and about dating his new girlfriend Tori. That was a possibility too, I supposed. 

I told Mama and Daddy about his email. They both agreed I should respond soon. I prayed for wisdom and grace to use the right words. The tears continued to flow as I read and reread his email several times before writing my response. 

I said I understood and that, though it would be hard and I cried just thinking about it, I agreed that not talking for awhile would be a wise decision because I had admittedly been idolizing him as well. It was so so hard...one of the hardest things I've ever done. Things seemed pretty blah...I didn't know what to do or think or say. I felt broken...shattered. I think it was worse because I was so uncertain of what he felt and I had been in denial the whole time about how I had been feeling. On top of all of that I was still extremely sick! Mega bummer on all levels.
The next few days were dark, dreary, pitiful, and pathetic. I sat on the couch, blankly staring at the TV but appearing to be "watching" my new Lord of the Rings trilogy that I had been stoked about when I had found them a few weeks prior for less than $2 a piece! But now it was just noise and moving pictures that went on for hours that at least kept me from being in silence, sometimes coughing until I couldn't breathe, other times randomly bursting into tears remembering what had happened. It was an extremely low time, let me tell ya. :( 

After almost a week had past I was far from well but ready to get out of the house. Our church was having a Thanksgiving dinner/hayride and I decided, well or not well, I was going! I needed human interaction. Everyone else went on the hayride but Rachel stayed back with me and I told her what was going on. (That's what best friends are for, people!! Never underestimate them!!)
"Woa. This is deep stuff." she said once I was finished venting while holding back tears as best I could. She and I both decided it very well could have been that he didn't like me...he had just gotten carried away and gave me the wrong idea so decided he needed to back off. The more we talked about it the less likely it seemed to me that he could like me. Which made me extremely sad but not so weepy...I was finally resolved that I needed to get over him. Easier said than done but I had done it before and I would do it again...problem was, the more I thought about it the more I realized I had never liked a guy quite like Trevor.
I had always liked guys that I knew I shouldn't, to my shame. I had liked them all for selfish reasons or to be rebellious because I felt all big and bad doing it. But this case was entirely different. Against everything that I would've generally chosen for myself, there was Trevor. 
He was short -- I liked tall guys.
He had brown eyes -- I've always preferred blue.
He was 26 for crying out loud! But I admired that he wasn't a "fake it til you make it" unbeliever that was professing to be saved and he wasn't a weak Christian. He was sweet, funny, kind, interesting, cool, thoughtful...Like I said...he was basically everything the other guys I had liked were not. I didn't really want to like him, but I did! A lot! And just when that became totally clear, I had to stop.
Exactly a week after his email, Mitchell and Brandi (my cousins) were on our doorstep with the most adorable beagle puppy I think I have ever seen. He came right to me and curled up in my arms. My first instinct reaction? I started crying. While I sat teary eyed completely enraptured with this little mass of sweetness, Mitchell and Brandi told me I was going to get to keep him for 3 weeks {until Christmas} when they would then give him to Maggie as her Christmas morning gift. The particulars weren't all that important to me. All I knew is that I was sick, my broken heart was trying to decide if it would ever mend again, and now I was holding a puppy. I really really needed this puppy. The Lord is very merciful and unique in giving us small joys to be thankful for even in the midst of trials and confusion. I mean, yeah, it was just a puppy and what I was dealing with was kind of huge...pretty much the biggest trial I could ever remember facing...but nevertheless, I felt a little better for the first time in a while. 

After they left I just stared at him in my arms and grinned incessantly, as he slept soundly in my lap. I took an Instagram picture of him to let the world know of my happiness. Rachel commented, "Awwww! This is exactly what you needed!" She knew it just like I knew it. It was time to be happy about something. :)
I posted the picture on G+ and to the caption I had copied from the Instagram post I impulsively added, "I totally needed this!" No one else would really understand why I said that...besides Rachel...and maybe him...if he saw it. Deep down I wrote those words half hoping he would see it. So he would know I was hurt but could still be happy without him. (You know, the pathetic, dramatic, seemingly tough girl-power proclamation of "I'm stronger than that! I don't need boys to make me happy! Who needs boys when you have puppies!?" ha.) But there was, of course, no guarantee that he would see it.
He had completely disappeared from the face of the social media earth it seemed. No posts, he hadn't liked anything...anywhere. No YouTube activity (yes...I stalked his YouTube activity feed...no judging. Desperate moping girl here.) And he hadn't been online anywhere...believe me, I checked pretty much every minute. But if he did get online, he would see that I was having my emotional pain soothed with my new buddy, Charlie! 

Honestly, it was silly. I was clearly depending on what he did or didn't do to gauge how emotionally stable I was. That aspect, I'll admit, was wrong. Very wrong. Truth is, I have ultimate joy in Christ that can never be added to or taken away from because it is infinite and perfect. The real truth was I was "stronger than that" because of Christ. It wasn't the puppy that made me able to be happy without Trevor, it was Jesus Christ. I wish I would've grasped that more at the time.
My circumstantial happiness was subject to minute-by-minute changes. Like how when Rachel sent me a chat letting me know Trevor had +1 the picture of Charlie and I on G+ and I once again started weeping. "Well what does that mean?!" I sobbed as I glared at his picture in my notifications. "You can't possibly know what you're doing to me!!" I said through clenched teeth.
Granted, I was hormonal, and sick, and confused which just added to my natural tendency to be on the emotional side of things when everything around me isn't deciding to crash down all at once.
The next morning proved to be even worse. He had posted a YouTube video at almost 1 in the morning (worse time to make any rash/impulsive decisions or movements on social media...or the Internet period, I must say.) It was of him singing along nonchalantly (and almost teasingly) to a Johnny Cash song. The words stabbed into me like a thousand knives. "I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. It ain't me babe, no no no, it ain't me you're looking for." He had as the description, "For those who think I would make the perfect husband."
I was speechless, and breathless, and felt like throwing up. I started to laugh because it was so stupid but my laugh turned almost immediately into...you guessed it...more hysterical crying. Then I got angry. Very angry. It just seemed so unlike him. It was so...so...cruel! And rude! And weird! And hurtful! "Look, I get it! You don't like me! But just because you apparently picked up on the fact that I did like you, you didn't have to make fun of my feelings and use something as tacky as this to give me the hint that it would never work out!!" I shouted this at the computer screen as the video continued to last forever it seemed, by the way. I called and asked my dad to watch it. His interpretation was the same. It was a way to tell me to get over him....that was in very bad taste. I sent it to Rachel to get her opinion. She freaked out too. For a split second I thought of another conclusion that could possibly be true. "Maybe he's just saying that he will never be the perfect husband because nobody is perfect. Cause I mean...he's just not that...heartless, normally." I loved that new thought. It fit him better. But it seemed too obvious. Not outlandish and uncalled for and unbelievable enough for my over-the-top, dramatic, highly-analytic thought process at the time. So I went back to sorrowfully believing that he must've had a complete out of character experience and chose to hurt me for my own good. {Oh yeah, that really made sense.}
That afternoon I saw that he was online. Agreement to not talk or not, he had some explaining to do. 
I sent him a chat that said, "Listen...I know what you said about avoiding each other for a while but, we need to talk about something." He replied with a, "Yes ma'am." I started typing again but before I could get any thoughts written and sent, he sent a link to a video he had just posted and said, "If you saw my video from last night, this will probably help." The new video was him explaining why he made the Johnny Cash video in the first place. Good news is, he realized it was silly and tried to cancel the upload. Bad news is, it posted anyways. All in all, he was dealing with his own thought process and having a little fun with it...no big deal. {Correction...it had become a huge deal in my heart by this point...repairs were slowly being made but damage had been done.} We talked a few unclear things out and it didn't take me long to realize he was just as confounded as I was. He couldn't clearly define to me what aspect of me he'd been idolizing. He tried to clarify some things and I felt better after we talked and yet things didn't really feel all that different. He basically told me he loved talking to me but he feared it was just being a huge distraction in my life so he couldn't do that to me.
"Oookay, not that I mind your distractions but I think I understand." I thought to myself as I watched him type and type...obviously struggling with what to say and convey to me. Finally we left it at the point of going back to not talking because he didn't want to get emotionally attached or something along those lines. He was glad I understood {or at least, I said I did but I'm not really sure that was a fully honest statement.} 
The next week seemed to pass much easier for me. He didn't like me, plain and simple. I had a puppy to take care of and overall I had a loving God that was in total control. I was going to be just fine. I didn't feel near as emotional or prone to crying. If I liked something he posted, I +1'd it without shame {never commented though.} Nothing had happened. There had been no real mutual official attachment expressed {or a desire for there to be one expressed}, therefore, acknowledging his presence while safely avoiding direct interaction seemed like a perfectly acceptable system. Sure, my feelings towards him were the same it was still tough stuff, don't get me wrong. I remember vividly relapsing into short periods of weeping when Adele or Colbie Caillat songs would play so I tried to avoid them like the plauge. And one time in particular, I sat at the computer with Charlie in my lap and Better in Time by Leona Lewis came on Pandora. I couldn't hold back. I wept and wept. My dad walked in and was like, "What in the world is wrong with you?" (He, being a man, was not really fully in tune with how truly emotionally traumatized and compromised I was about "losing" this guy...)  I looked up and trying to think fast, blubbered the only response I could think of, "We're gonna have to give Charlie back after Christmas! *deep heaving sobbing breath in* He nodded slightly and left me to my puddles of sorrow. 
But for the most part I was more consistently learning to finally rest in, "Thy will not mine be done." I knew everything was going to work out according to His plan and I was content with that, even if I was battling this "roller coaster" of emotions I had sinfully succumbed to and had almost let take hold of me altogether. And then as the "better days" started piling up, I was joyful and excited in my heart about the future whether my circumstances were bright or not. It was a refreshing time of learning...peace. I wrote a poem about it. I was determined not to be a moper any longer. 

Rachel and I on December 10th. Choosing rather to be coping not moping! :)

Then. The night of 12/12/12, while Mama and I were cooking supper. We stood in the kitchen chatting away. I was smiling and thinking the same thing in the back of my head that I had been thinking for days. "Wow. I'm gonna be okay. I'm doing this. I'm getting better." Then Mama glanced down at the phone screen and nearly shrieked. She gasped, grabbed the phone and held it out to me. I had received a message on the G+ Messenger. One word that would turn my whole demeanor (and eventually my world) upside down instantly. I read it, and  all the "jelly limbs" and "tummy butterflies" came rushing back with all fervor and I knew, I was in for it. The word? The word was:


(Doing this part in two sub parts...lol. Next part coming tomorrow morning! Just wanted y'all to be left hanging for a leeetle bit between these two sections. hehe ;)) 

I'M ENGAGED!! : our proposal story // northeast, tx wedding, portrait, and lifestyle photographer

It is love from the first 

Time I pressed my hand into yours 

Thinking, 'Oh, is it love?'

Oh, say, wouldn't you like to be

Older and married with me?

Oh, say, wouldn't it be nice to

Know right now that we'll be

Someday holding hands in the end.

|  hellogoodbye - oh, it is love  |

For all those that are following along with the story of how "Trevor + I" came to be, I am planning on finishing that story. Don't worry! ;) But I thought you might all like to hear this story right away!

I've had my fair share of dreams and expectations of what a serious relationship with someone would look like before I was in one. It would take time to know if they were "The One" I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to be surprised once the time came for the guy to ask me "The Big Question." So surprised, I didn't even want to know that he was planning to ask to marry me or that he was even thinking about marriage! (Dreams...remember I said dreams.)

And then the serious relationship thing happened to me. 
Oh boy. My dreams were crushed and forgotten in the most wonderful of ways. Things happened so much differently than I had foolishly expected. Different as in both infinitely more challenging and yet infinitely better. One of the most shocking parts was how quickly I knew I wanted to marry Trevor. How positively sure I was. It wasn't an "Oh, that would be nice. I like him a lot" feeling. It was a "Dear Lord, please let me marry him. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else this much." I fell hard and I fell fast. I wanted to be this man's wife more than anything I had ever wanted before. 
Thankfully he's a very honest person and he doesn't really hold on to what he's thinking. So when he was open about feeling the same way I knew I was in for a crazy ride. After all, I was only 17 at the time! My parents were (are) very protective and wanted this whole process to go slow and honor God. That was all fine and good with us but when you're barely two months in and you are both very sure you want to get married in the end...the waiting process became, once again, different than I expected. 

But the days with him were bright, and fun, and new, even if they were mingled with hard, trying, confusing days. Our souls were both tested to, what seemed like, the breaking point many times. And yet, we waited. We knew this is what we wanted and it didn't matter. Some people go many more months than we had...years even! By the grace of God we would endure. And, Lord willing, we would wake up one morning and find ourselves husband and wife.

Time did move on (slow though it was.) Month after month passed. Summer was ending. Engagement seemed less like a far in the future plan and more like a, "Maybe in the fall," type plan. Though it had been tossed around several times in conversation, Trevor officially asked my dad (which I knew) and was given permission to get a ring (which I knew.)
The thing is, even after all this time and changed dreams and new joys, I was still sure of something.
I wanted to be surprised. And he wanted to surprise me.
Problem is, surprising me was going to be one of the toughest feats he's ever accomplished. I was the un-surprisable girlfriend. I love being surprised but I hate being in the dark about stuff! Things weren't falling into place to his advantage either. 
One of the first times I ever heard Rachel talk about "Trevor Ruby" I remember saying, "Awww! His last name is Ruby? It may be slightly cheesy but I think it'd be adorable if he ever gets married for him to give the girl a ruby engagement ring! That'd be soooo cute and awesome!" Fast forward to a month or two after that same Trevor Ruby and I were in a relationship and during a phone conversation he said, "Look, I'm not trying to rush things cause I have no idea if we'll get married....but just to have advice from a girl...if I ever get married, would it be silly to give her a ruby engagement ring?" I thought to myself, "Yep. We're meant to be. Already had that thought like ten months ago, dude."
(Disclaimer: That's not what was the deciding factor for me.) ;)
So when it came to looking for a ring, I already knew it would be a ruby. The first place he went to was his mom. Her last name is ruby too so surely she had one. ;) Turns out she had two of them! She said one was dark and one was light. I wanted the dark one. No doubt about it. I have a soft spot for deep dark red rubies. They seem more real than fuchsia or pinkish ones. If I was going to wear a ruby on my finger for the rest of my life, I wanted ever-so-much for it be that kind. The way Trevor said she talked about it, it didn't sound like it would be a very pretty ring but the stone was big and dark and he could do whatever he wanted with it. So in the mail from Georgia to Texas it went!
The day he got it in the mail we were both very excited. We were one step closer to our dream come true! 
Because, from what we thought, the ring was not going to be anything spectacular he decided I could see it. It wasn't ruining the surprise for me because all that would be used from this ring would be the stone.
Ha. That was a funny joke. 
As he pulled off the lid of the box and we leaned in to look we both quickly jerked back up and looked at each other. Almost in unison we whispered, "Oh no. It's beautiful."
Soooo, we loved it. I mean loved it. It was perrrrfect. I loved the setting, I loved the color...everything! Gosh, I was ready for him to stick it on my finger right then and there and call it a done deal! 
But the more we talked about it the more ideas I had for changing it up so that it would be a unique, "never before and never again" type of ring. However, we kept running into the same thing. I loved the top of it. Its magnificent. There were too many possible routes we had brewing in our minds. Spoiled surprise or not...I was going to have to go with him to the Jewler to design it. 

I walked in nervously as the bell that rings when someone opens the door jangled above me. I gulped. "How does someone act when they come to look at rings? Or more specifically...come ask a jeweler to remake one? Was it going to be wildly expensive? Was it gonna end up ugly? Does this mean I'll really be getting engaged soon?! Snap out of it, Trevor's talking to someone at the front desk!" 
There he was trying to discuss with the girl behind the shiny, brightly lit, glass counter full of sparkles what our game plan was. It was a silver ring but I wanted gold because I have my great-grandmother's gold wedding band that I plan on using for my wedding band. Could we overlay the silver with gold? The look she gave us clearly indicated a big no. And I wanted the band thinner...it was a bit too thick. Three rows of five little diamonds on each side of the shank and the way the top was set almost gave it the appearance of a class ring. But I loved the setting. No protruding stone. No prongs. Not quite an oval and not quite a circle. YES PLEASE. The explanation became so jumbled and full of details that she finally said, "Let me just go get Randy, the owner." 
We waited for a few minutes before a pleasant looking middle aged man came out of a back room, hand outstretched for a handshake and a smile. He was more than happy to hear all of our tangled web of ideas and he clarified and gave input in all the right places. Within 15 minutes we had all complied an imaginary ring sure to be breath-taking. But the price tag....what would it be?? 
We paced back and forth as Randy went back to his office to do some "calculations." 
My dad's mom had given us a few old gold rings that she didn't want anymore so we were able to apply that gold to the whole ordeal (knocking the price down!) We wanted the top to stay the same so the whole ring would not have to be remolded or recast. I wanted the diamonds on the current shank to be used as the detail for the new shank. Sure enough, all our thrifty thinking and loop holes paid off! The price scratched onto the slip of paper Randy brought us showed a number well inside Trevor's budget! Praise God!
Now the ring was ordered. They didn't give us an estimated time they just said they would call him. Maybe I actually could be surprised now. It could be finished at any time and I wouldn't know it. 
Weeks passed. There was no way for me to know the progress of that little beauty so I sorta forgot about it. "Let the surprise come to you....just don't stress." I told myself.
That is until I overheard my mom on the phone with the jewelry shop....asking about the order. It had been almost 6 weeks. She sounded worried. So he didn't have it yet and they weren't finished. "It'll be ready Monday or Tuesday? Ok...great! Thanks so much!" 
Snap. I heard that. Now I know it'll be ready next week....making it that much harder for this whole thing to take me off guard. 
The next week, mine and Trevor's friend, Michael came to visit! He and all the festivities that came with his visit were definitely a distraction and, once again, I nearly forgot about knowing anything! But then Thursday was Thanksgiving. He, Michael, and my dad had to "run to town" the day before...for no apparent reason. Who was I kidding...I knew they had gone and gotten it! They must have! 
Which meant he could do it...now! At Thanksgiving! At my grandparents' house with all my dad's family there! I excitedly painted my nails to match the holiday (orange + gold...ha) and curled my hair with extra care. It was a tiny hope but I clung tightly to it. The whole day passed. Nothing happened. But I was okay! I knew it was just a matter of time! I will probably feel like this lots of days...for a while...until he finally asks! Friday came...and went by. All my mom's family were in town because we were going to have Thanksgiving with them on Saturday. My mom and I went to my Mam-maw's house Friday night to hang out since my twin cousins from Austin had just gotten there and my Aunt Dana, who lives down the street, came too. We had chicken and dumplings and I teased everyone (when they asked me how things were going with Trevor) that I might very soon be wearing an extra piece of jewelry and calling him something else besides my boyfriend. ;) They all laughed. Of course...they didn't know that I knew that he actually had a ring and really was going to propose soon probably. But it was fun to make light of it...instead of being anxious about it like I was tempted to do. ;) 
The next morning when I woke up I walked to my back door and the sun shone brightly through the glass. It was just rising. It was beautiful. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the sun rise when it wasn't a day that I was rushing to work and not fully enjoying it. I had time to pray and when I opened my Bible I realized the passage I was going to read was Ecclesiastes chapter 3.

"For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under Heaven. . . He has made everything beautiful in its time." 

Oh. It hit me hard. This life that He had blessed me with. From my salvation to this moment sitting here over my Bible with fluttering thoughts about getting engaged being right on the brink of reality for me...it was beautiful! Achingly so! And set in a particular God appointed time too! All of it! 

"If I could choose a day to be engaged," I thought, "I would choose today!"

Then later, when I was getting ready for the day Mama came into my room and said, "You want me to just tell him to ask you today?" I laughed nervously. My stomach was in knots. That would be amazing!! But how would I be surprised if I knew it was going to be today?? He came over so that he could drive behind my parents on the way there and I could ride with him. As I left the hosue...I felt pretty. I liked my hair, my makeup, my outfit...it was a warm, happy feeling. And he looked cute too!! It was one of those, stop and stare at him a few extra seconds kinds of cute! I held his free hand tight as he drove. And the thought kept cropping up, "If only it could be today." 

His house is in between mine and my Aunt's (where we were having Thanksgiving) and right before we passed it he said, "You wanna see your Christmas present?" His smirk and raised eyebrow clearly gave away that he was joking but I countered back, "Yeah! Sure!" He slowed down almost to a complete stop right in front of his house. "Really? You really want me to?" My head was spinning....was he joking or not? Was this it? Is this how it was going to be? Does this sick feeling count as surprised?? 

"Naaah. I won't! Come on...let's go. I was just messing with you!" And with that he accelerated and his house was long behind us. "So the ring is at his house." I tucked that away in the back of mind, knowing that if he left in his car at any time during the day and then came back...he probably went and got the ring. Yep. I wanted to be surprised but I wouldn't be. Every time he was out of my sight I would watch his car like a hawk. There would be no sly getaway. No slight of hand. Despite all that was within me wanting to be oblivious, I was very very aware of what was going on. 

The day drug on and it seemed like today really may not be the day after all! He went on long walks numerous times but that wasn't uncommon for him...and his car (and everyone else's) stayed put when he was absent. I got a bit frustrated actually. At one point I realized I was almost scowling at him because he asked if something was wrong. I gave him one glance and he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Listen, Mare....you are way too snoopy! You're not supposed to know any of this stuff! I'm not ever gonna be able to catch you off guard!" 

So there it was. He wasn't planning on doing it today. He was still thinking of a way to pull off a surprise. And it wouldn't be today. He wasn't leaving. He wasn't going to get the ring. And I wasn't going to get engaged. Or so I thought. ;)  

Around 4:30, my sister Holly, my parents, Trevor, my Uncle, my cousin Mitchell, and I all drove down to Uncle Donald's house which is only a few miles from Aunt Dana's. He had built two big new porches that we hadn't seen and they were awesome! I've talked seriously about getting married somewhere on his 70 acres of good ole' Texas forest/field combo but couldn't solidify how the reception would work. As we stood there under those massive porches, Mama shot me a look. She twirled around and said, "You could dance here. And have food. Basically....a reception." It was so true! As I contemplated that revelation I took the ring I always wear on my right hand off and was fiddling with it. Trevor sat beside me in the porch swing and I handed the ring to him. He loves playing with that ring. He takes it off of me at church, at a restaurant...pretty much any time and place where he's sitting by me. After we had spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes out there we headed back to Aunt Dana's where everyone else was. We walked inside and I was about to go sit down when I felt that strange sensation that is indescribable. I wasn't wearing my ring. I turned to Trevor. "Hey, where'd you put my ring." He held his hands up and it wasn't there. "Don't worry. I bet its in the car." He said. I was going to let him go get it but then I decided to go out there with him. Why not? The light was pretty, the temperature was great, and I wanted to make sure he found it. No reason not to follow him! 

(Yay for following him!!)

As he opened the door on the passenger side I was standing there, not anticipating a thing. It was as if I momentarily forgot getting engaged was even on my radar. He was on his knees fumbling around in the floor board and then, all in one motion, he propped himself up to be on just one knee and reached into his pocket. For a split second I thought he was going to pull out the ring we had been looking for and tease me with a "fake proposal" because he knew how antsy I was. He hadn't gone home so I knew he didn't have the ring. This wasn't what I thought/hoped/wished it was....but then....

I saw red. And shiny. And my heart stopped. I started breathing rapidly and my eyes widened. I must've looked like a terrified 5 year old because in that very moment he did too. For a brief second we were scared, excited children taken aback by what was happening. I felt so little. I blinked hard to try to take it all in....but I could've sworn that I had lived this already....in Kindergarten...with a different boy....and a pipe-cleaner circle. 

Then those words that I've heard a million times in my life but never truly to me came spilling out of his mouth. 

"Will you marry me?" 

And he gently slipped that most beautiful ruby ring ever onto my finger. (My wedding ring finger! Ah!) All the emotions hit me like a train wreck and I fell to my knees, nearly tumbling into him saying "Yes!" as many times as I could. I held his face and started sobbing. Not dab my eyes with a Kleenex cause I'm tearing up. I mean...like this:

 

We stood up and I vaguely realized I was shaking. He held me tightly against his chest as I continued to weep, heart pounding, breaths coming at an ever changing unusual pace and my whole body shook. But between the gasps of breath there was laughter. 

I was happy. So overwhelmingly happy.

And surprised. Very very surprised. Shocked. Taken off guard.

Mission very much accomplished. He was glad to see that as he said, "Woa! I...I surprised you! I really legit surprised you! You're surprised!!" ;)

My abundance of "Yes"s turned to "I'm gonna marry you"s. He smiled and followed each hard-to-understand exclamation I threw at him through the tears with, "I love you." 

And then he took my hand. He sat down in the car and I curled up in his lap like a child. He held me tight and began praying. Crying out to our Lord thanking Him over and over again for His goodness and mercy to us! He prayed for our future together and pleaded that we would bring glory to the Father with our lives together as husband and wife. "We love each other, Father. And you brought us together in your perfect time. Thank you, Father. Thank you. The lines have fallen to us in pleasant places. Thank you." It was by far one of the most glorious things I've ever experienced. I never wanted to leave. It was the most beautiful prayer I had ever heard. As many times as I've thought my heart was going to burst....it truly could have right then and there. 

After about 15 minutes or so we got out of the car and he said, "Well...I guess we should go tell everyone." I suddenly threw my arms around his neck again. "No no! I wanna stay with you!" I was weepy again and the shakes came back. He laughed and took my hand and walked me back up the driveway to the house. 

My attempts to quickly stifle my crying were unsuccessful. I sounded like I was having a heart attack, and an asthma attack, and a panic attack all in one. But I was smiling...so that was a good sign, right? 

Needless to say when I walked in everyone was worried. They all stood up and started asking, "What's wrong with you?! Did you get hurt?! WHAT'S WRONG?!" 

My upheld left hand was shaking so hard they couldn't focus on what I was trying to direct their attention to. My Aunt was the first to see it. "No...NO! Oh oh oh!!" From then on it was a flood of mingled tears, congratulations hugs, and admiring the ring. Then Trevor looked up and saw that the football game that he had been watching was still on. (He's from Georgia....he's a Georgia Bulldogs fan - and his mama is a suuuper big fan) The Dawgs were up against Georgia Tech. Two Georgia teams! College football! Hold everything! He raced into the living room and grabbed the remote to turn it up. "One second, guys! This game is almost over!" The room erupted into laughter as I clung to him...not caring much what he was doing as long as I was there with him. With makeup streaming down my face I clung tight as he watched it go into overtime. 

Then we rushed outside to take pictures. My mom was so nervous and I was still laughing, and shaking, and saying, "Wait! Is this real? IS THIS REAL?!" She snapped away. "I don't know if any one of these are in focus!" She exclaimed. (Most of them aren't but ya know....I still reallyreally love them so much. They capture our story just the way it was!


Then I started yelling, "RACHEL! I HAVE TO TELL RACHEL!!!" And so I texted my best friend. I wanted her to be the first one, outside of who was there, to know. :) <3 And he snapped some pictures to text his parents!! It was all so surreal! Sharing news, I hadn't even grasped myself, with other people! :D


 I kept shaking, and laughing, and crying at different intensity levels as the sun began to set. And then I saw it! One of the loveliest sunsets I've ever seen. My whole day, from sunrise to sunset, had been so much good and pleasant and right. It was perfect. He didn't have a plan....he just waited for the moment to arise. It seemed like everything I did made a surprise more and more impossible and yet...a perfect time did arise. And it was simple, and beautiful, and real, and perfect. Not because of grandeur, not because of a speech (Yeah...sorry....He didn't pull a Mr. Darcy and give me the whole "You have bewitched me body and soul" declaration), but because my Father in Heaven had placed every moment in both of our lives just so to make that magical moment possible. I can't say it enough...Praise God!!

Our hearts are full from all the love, and congratulations we have received since Saturday. To knock a few FAQ's out of the park....we're still in shock...so no decided date just yet. ;) We're thinking Spring to give you a general answer. I haven't chosen too many details yet cause...I'm still waiting to see if this is nothing but a wonderful daydream one of these days ;)  No but really, all the prayers you offer up for us are more appreciated than you will ever know! We haven't finished the battle yet! And the battle won't end on the long awaited wedding day. The dream of marriage will, Lord willing, soon be our everyday life and we know we will need the grace of our Lord showered out upon us more than ever! I'm sure in the weeks to come when planning starts I'll fall off of cloud nine and come back to earth but for now, pardon me....I'm soaring. :)

~Through Christ's Love ♥ 

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part five

I'd love to know just what you're thinkin'
Every little river, runnin' through your mind
You give and you take
You come and you go
You leave me here wonderin' if I'll ever know
How much you care or how much you don't
| somebody's heartbreak - hunter hays |

part one || part two || part three || part four

The next few weeks after my Lifehouse moment {It's yoooou and me, and aaaall of the people and I don't know whyyy, I can't keep my eyes off of you."} were interesting to say the least. 

The day after that long long into the night drive home from Missouri, a Sunday afternoon after church, my mom and I were laying on her bed talking while my dad was in the living room, watching something sports related I'm sure. I was telling her how I had felt at the funeral the previous day and how confused I was. I am incredibly close to my mother and can basically tell her anything. But there are some things I can't wrap my brain around enough to fully express to her and this was one of them. I did my best, however, to let her know how sudden and strange and wonderful and terrifying and magical it was...that split second of eye contact. Was I being nonsensical? Surely I was. Everyone knew he didn't want to get married anyway. Everyone knew that he himself had said numerous times that he felt like he was particularly called to lifelong singleness. Why on earth would he change his mind now? Especially about me. For goodness sake, I thought, I'm nearly 9 years younger than him and if he was going to get married he would have by now! The girls around him are by far some the dearest, godliest, sweetest, and definitely most gorgeous girls you could ever meet! My mom was not convinced that he would certainly, by common sense, be indifferent to me...nor marriage itself. "Didn't you see his Google+ post about Adam and Eve the other day? There's no way he's still positive he wants to say single. At least, he didn't sound like it." She said. I looked at her, puzzled. Adam and Eve post?! I open the app on the cell phone, went to his profile, and scrolled with such vigor you'd think I was trying to row a boat with my thumb...a tiny boat where tons of  minuature
 people's lives depended on getting from one side of the lake to the other. My search was in vain. There was no Adam and Eve post to be found. "He must have deleted it!" She exclaimed. "Just ask him what it said." I turned my head in shock to fully look her in the face to find her joking, or so I thought. But she was serious! "Ask him?!" She nodded. I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders. All I was doing was asking him a simple question. No big deal.

And so I shakingly opened up Messenger and typed out,

"My mom was telling me about a post you did yesterday or the day before that was really good and she can't find it to show me. She said it was something to do with Adam and Eve maybe?? Is it still on G+ somewhere? :)"

Within a few minutes he responded.

"I deleted it...impulsively. I'm not sure why I deleted it. But here's what it was: So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the thought I put with that was about Adam sleeping. He wasn't awake and worried about trying to find Eve and make something 'happen.' Sleep = no anxiety. Sleeping = trusting God. God brought Eve to Adam, and it was while he was alseep."

My jaw dropped open. It was so true! And deep! And hammered straight into the poor dents in my heart that were causing me to ache over being single and unsure of my future. It reminded me of the parable about the man who planted a seed and then fell asleep because He trusted God to bring the increase. He had left the growth to God. I had never thought about that same principle applying to Adam...and waiting on a spouse. 

I wrote back, telling him those things, and told him that the story of Adam and Eve had just gotten better for me. 

His response, "Yeah, just like the seed it wasn't something Adam made happen. As a matter of fact he couldn't even explain it. Kinda like the guy in the parable about the seed "how it happened, he does not know" Mark 4:27. Growth in the Kingdom, just like marriage, is something God does. And its a mysterious thing that we cannot understand. I mean...she was made out of his rib. It was his rib! Did you ever think about that? Like...what?!"

His thoughts on these things. They were so enlightening and rich and honest. And so in line with what I needed/truly yearned to live in light of. I couldn't get the conversation out of my head the whole rest of the night. The whole day after that, a Monday, I thought about it. I got home from work, tired and feeling frazzled. I was still busy trying to decide if my feelings at the funeral were a fluke thing and in a lot of ways psyching myself out until I believed I was back to being completely neutral towards him...until...this Monday night in November I was in my parents bedroom with my mom again....talking to her about the Adam and Eve conversation of course. She was standing around the corner and said, "What exactly did he say again?"

I opened up Messenger and read it to her word for word. I was standing in front of their dresser that has a big mirror on it. I looked pretty funny. It was getting late, I had my hair in a high frizzy pony tail, my makeup was a bit smeared because I had rubbed my eyes (why not, right? I was going to bed soon anyway...), and I was still in my scrubs. 

"Wow." I thought. "Here I am talking about this guy...this incredibly great guy...this incredibly attractive guy...and I look...pretty rough." I started making faces at myself. Nobody was watching, my mom still being around the corner talking to me. Some faces were funny, some were scary, and some were just downright ridiculous. One in particular was so horrifying I just knew I had to take a picture and show Mama. I quickly glanced down and saw the camera icon and took a selfie. For some reason it said "Enter" after I took it. But I was too busy laughing at myself that I didn't put much thought into it as I pressed it. Why was it asking me to push "Enter"? Who cares. I look terrible! 

I had crossed my eyes which is a huge accomplishment for me cause I can't do it very well. I had even done kissy fish lips subconsciously! It was like the worst picture of me ever. Which is why I was so glad my mother was the only one that was going to see it. I was bringing the phone to show her when suddenly I looked down and the picture wasn't there. In fact, I was still in the G+ Messenger app. What had happened? I barely scrolled and then all at once, the gut-wrenching truth dawned on me. I had not taken the picture with the regular in-phone camera. I had taken it with the G+ Messenger camera. And the most awful of all pictures had irreversibly sent to Trevor Ruby.

I almost conjured up enough courage to post the picture here....keyword "almost".

I could've died right then and there. I was literally, literally hyperventilating. I would've started crying but I couldn't catch my breath. Mama was begging me to tell her what was wrong. Somehow, in very few words and frantic hand gestures and terrified facial expressions I conveyed to her the horrible truth of my mistake. It was a very grave thing.
I landed face first on her bed and let out a half scream half mortified groan into the mattress. Then I flipped over and my words spilled out like rushing water, "Of COURSE it would HAVE TO BE the UGLIEST picture of me in the history of FOREVER and OF COURSE I would send it to this guy just when I'm discovering I might actually like him. SO MUCH FOR THAT! Oh dear...oh snap...oh...what do I do?!?! Gimme the phone. GIVE IT TO ME! I have to try and and tell him it was a mistake."
Up to this point this whole traumatic event had transpired in about a minute and a half. I didn't know what to say but I typed, feverishly trying to fill the awkward silence that had to be happening there in Kirksville. The little envelope beside the picture {that was even more horrendous at this point because it only showed a preview which just HAD TO BE a close-up of my lips for crying out loud!!!} was still unopened. He hadn't seen it. Yet. Perhaps he never would. What if some wild beast came and destroyed his phone and he never...OH WHO WAS I KIDDING?! He was going to see it...he would see the preview and no doubt open it to see the whole thing in all its...glory? and I, though there was no way out of this, knew he had to be given some explanation somehow. I let him know (almost entirely in all caps) that it was an accident....meant for my mother, NOT HIM and that I was so painfully embarrassed I couldn't imagine ever recovering.
His response?! A smiley face. Nothing more than a colon and a right parenthesis.
I repeated my outburst of sorrow into the mattress. He's probably so disgusted he's speechless....he, having nothing else to possibly say, put a smiley face in an attempt to try and be polite if it was even possible in such a case as this. That's it. That's it. That's it. I'll never be able to be friends with him again. It'll never be the same. The awkwardness will never disappear.
Our friendship was officially scarred for life and my smidgin of a slight hope that maybe he might one day like me back was CRUSHED!
WAIT!!! He was typing....
While I was waiting for the his message I was so tense I felt like I had a knife in my stomach and my head was swimming....

"If I was a frog I think I might've just turned into a prince."

I don't think any sentence, no matter how poetic or eloquent, in history could've affected me like that very sentence. My face suddenly flushed and I was hotter than a fire cracker. My mom read it and gasped. I could not speak. I was pondering whether I would ever regain my ability to put words together.
"How! Sweet!" she said, to finally break the choking silence. I stared blankly at her. I continued to send franticly jumbled up exclamations of my absolute humiliation while he kept reassuring me that it wasn't all that bad. He even sent me a picture of himself in a super hero mask with the caption, "Here's an embarrassing picture of me."
Maybe I could get over these breath-taking random feelings I couldn't explain if he would just STOP being SO ADORABLE for 5 seconds!! Good grief Charlie Brown!!
Big huge emotions scare me. I'm a deep thinker and I'm achingly passionate but nevertheless I notice myself doing all in my power to convince myself that I am indifferent when I start feeling such hard to grasp things. With every conversation that followed throughout the weeks afterwards there was an increased amount of hidden endearments that I refused to see. I didn't want to admit that I was "falling in like" hard and I certainly was NOT going to say I suspected he was doing the same. I just didn't know for sure. I think my biggest fear was giving in and starting to believe something only to be found wrong and miserably disappointed.
Around the middle/end of November, the amount we talked and the increasing sweetness of his personality was overwhelming me. His YouTube videos were more and more "tug-at my heart-strings" worthy. We had had a conversation about Adele songs and I mentioned I liked to belt her song called "One and Only." He asked if I would video myself singing it if he videoed himself doing a cover of "Rolling in the Deep." I knew for certain he wouldn't do it but the thought of it was a bit enjoyable. However, later that day I had an email sitting in my inbox from him...it was a link to a new YouTube video of his titled "Rolling in the Deep Cover Singing."
I freaked. DID HE REALLY?!?! Ha. You can see for yourself what the video is. Nothing but his big ole' dog Buck laying there looking pitifully at the camera. Two days later he emails, "Guess what song I woke up singing in my head? 'I dare you to let me be...' But I'm sure I'll never be able to belt it like you. :)" 
{Yes. That would be him quoting the beginning of the chorus of One and Only.}

The week of Thanksgiving His mom posted a picture of him on Facebook to show he had made it to Illinois, where his grandmother lives, for their family get-together. As I looked at it I could feel the fondness in my heart. Like a quote I've seen on Pinterest, "When I look at you I realize I just might like to hang out with you for the rest of my life." Though I wouldn't let that thought venture outside of my subconscious....it was there. Plain as day. Being masked under my dark stubborn cloak of doubt, denial, and fear. I wasn't in love. You can't be truly in love with someone you don't really know intimately. I knew some deep personal things about him and I was starting to become pretty acquainted with his personality but compared to having enough knowledge of him to "be in love"...it was next to nothing. But interested? I was that. Very very exceedingly much so. I was blind. I intentionally let myself be blind. I pressed on with 1,000,000 feelings in my heart while my head ignored every one of them.
I feel compelled to stop now and give a word of exhortation and caution to single girls. The impending fact of whether or not you like, find, or marry a guy shouldn't be the North on your compass so to speak. There is SO much more to live for. And if you feel something for someone "take it to the Lord in prayer!" You cannot ever exhaust God, no matter how many times you bring it before him. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not consult, and petition Him enough on this whole matter. Mainly because I viewed it as a "non-issue." But the truth is, I did have strong feelings that did need to be dealt with...not just ignored or pushed away. They needed to be processed. I was fooling myself and causing anxiety that was not necessary. As usual. Be open with how you feel...if with no one else, be it primarily with the Lord! Hey, if you don't end up with him...who will be there to comfort you? The same One who was there to hear your cries and who has a far greater plan for your life! That may be a different guy or a different life than you were expecting. And that is not only okay, IT'S THE BEST! I just...don't want people to get caught up and think all this that I was dealing with was the right way to handle these kind of emotions.
I was at my grandmother's house curled up in a recliner staring at the picture of him on Facebook...pretending I wasn't. But I was. My cousin Kelsey came and leaned over me and poked her head into my fetal position to see what was lighting up the phone screen. "Psssh. So that is obviously the guy you like..." I unfolded and looked shocked. "No! Of course not! It's just...a friend of mine...and its a good picture of him!" She rolled her eyes. "Puh-leeeze." She crossed her arms as I sat up trying to not look like a deer in the headlights. "That's like the fifteenth time I've seen you looking at that picture today." Whoops. Busted. I bit my lip and looked down, my face turning bright red. Mam-maw heard from the other room and said, "Well! Come show me the picture! I have to know if there's a young man in your life." Super busted. I slumped into the kitchen and held the phone up. She looked and slowly began to smile before nodding her head decidedly, glancing up at me and teased, "Well, he's pretty good-lookin' so I guess I approve." Face-palm.
We were in and out of Mam-maw's house all week because she only lives about 5 minutes away, all the family was together, there was constantly amazing food cooked/being cooked/or being eaten, and it was just the place to be.

{While he was with his family looking adorable, I was walking on Mam-maw's roof with my cousins cause we're crazy like that.}

The day after Thanksgiving, the 23rd, I was feeling a bit light-headed....cloudly. I was getting a little congested and just seemed worn out. Maybe it was from all the festivities (food) that had transpired in recent days. Either way, I really just felt like sitting down. So I did. I went full couch-potato style in Mam-maw's living room and Tyler, Kelsey, and I watched every T.V. holiday movie that was showing. That evening there was a new YouTube video on Trevor's channel. (Go figure.) It was a self-taken video of him and his little brother singing along in the car to "Sara Smile." Let's just say I got a burst of energy. I squealed. That couch must've magically turned into a trampoline because I literally bounded off of it and ran, still squealing, outside where my mother was sitting on the front porch. I was hopping vigorously up and down like a kangaroo banished to live a life in a single square-foot and I was smiling so big my face should've broke. I handed her the phone, she watched, smiled smugly and shook her head. She can see through me like I'm made of a clear piece of glass. She knew what I was feeling...what I had been feeling for a while. She knew that it was bubbling up inside of me and spilling out like Mentos in a Diet Coke. I couldn't keep it in any longer.
That next morning I realized why I felt so crummy the day before. I officially came down with the flu. I had super high fever (like over 105!), energy completely drained, horrible cough, chills and aches...it was all suddenly my new reality.
The day before, the couch had been a luxurious preference; now it was an absolute must. I couldn't move without feeling like I had been run over. I sent him a message and let him know his singing video was really cheering me up as I was incapacitated and already tired of T.V. for entertainment. He expressed that he was really sorry I was so sick and I suppose decided it was his mission to do something else to continue to cheer me up. Within 30 minutes he sent me a video of him sneaking up on his brother, who was sleeping. It was just plain CUTE. I'm sorry. There's no two ways about it.
The next several days were a muddy blur of me being completely downright ill. But something that shined through that foggy gloom, though it was somewhat funny, confusing, questionable, and overwhelming; was Trevor sending messages every. hour. asking how I felt and if I was getting any better. For the first time I let myself stare it straight in the face...the the truth that this guy must actually like me back for really reals.

My Mamajama brought me a lemonade to brighten up my fourth sick day in a row.

Midday on the 27th I sent him a gorgeous cover of "Killing Me Softly" by Colbie Caillat because he had shared The Fugees version earlier in the week with some good thoughts about viewing the chorus like Jesus and the woman at the well. (Ohhhhh I loved his perspective on things. melt.)
My existence of lump of couch goo didn't seem so dreary with the thought of his mind, his concern for me, and this resolve that he must actually care for me as much as I cared for him. It was such a lovely high that made my sickness seem like nothing. That evening I got a reply. Hooray!
But. It was nothing to do with the song. I could hardly believe what I was reading. All at once my eyes couldn't focus properly and my thoughts crashed together like a train wreck. Seriously, what was I reading?! 

He felt like the Lord was convicting him about idolatry. And he felt like his idol was...me. He said it wasn't my fault. In fact, he said he thought I was wonderful. (HE THINKS I'M WONDERFUL?!) He felt like the best way to deal with an idol was to irradiate it altogether. He just felt like he didn't need to talk to me anymore or least for quite awhile.....until he got things straightened out in his head, heart, and soul.

The utter sorrow that swept over me was sharp, the ground beneath me seemed to be crumbling and I was drowning in shock. I felt raw. Like my heart of hearts had been left out in the sun and had been burned to the core. I might as well have been a china doll shattering into a million pieces. My heart ached bitterly and all I could do was cry. And then weep. And then sob.

to be continued...