H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part seven

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six

All my, "I'm gonna be a'okay" feelings melted away all at once and all the jitters and shakes and even those pesky butterflies were back in business for sure. As if I was calm, cool, and collected I sent back, "Hey :)"

Something deep inside me felt like this conversation was about to be a big deal. Something big was going to happen...I just knew it! He was typing...

"So, I don't know what I'm looking for, like a letter to fall from the sky saying its okay to talk to Allix..."

I melted. Like a candle near a flame, like snow in the summer sun, like butter in a hot frying pan. My insides fluttered and flittered and my palms got sweaty. "He's been wanting to talk to me." I gulped. "But why?" The giggly feelings halted. I needed to reign it back in. My thought process sped forward. "Our conversations had just gotten so common the abrupt end to them has probably just been an uncomfortable life adjustment for him. He probably just misses me as a friend, that's all." The walls I had taught myself to begin building began to slowly rise again. As I thought; he kept typing.

He wanted to know if him not talking to me had been helpful. {We talked as if it had been months...not the several days or weeks it had truly been. ;)} I was brutally honest. I said it had given me lots of time to pray and evaluate my feelings but it had hurt and been hard. However, I knew life wasn't supposed to be all rosy, peachy keen, and easy so in the whole grand scheme of things I was doing okay. He laughed. I asked if it had helped him. He couldn't say for sure...he didn't really know. Basically he didn't like not talking to me so he didn't know how to answer my question. Was it hard on his flesh but good for his spirit? He couldn't really tell.

"He misses me. Whether its as a friend or more than that...I don't care. He misses me." Either way, that made my heart get all warm and fuzzy and sentimental. Just like a girl. ;) 

He then asked if him continuing to talk to me would be a huge distraction for me. *Face Palm*

"Something's gotta give! We can't keep going back and forth with this!"

Mama looked me straight in the eye and said, "You have to ask him what his intentions are. That is the only way you'll be able to clearly interpret his conversation. And that will also determine whether or not it's a distraction to you." She was right. Man! Why are moms so right all the time?!

Though I was scared to death, I posed that dreaded question to him and told him why I needed to know. It felt like a glorified version of those notes you quickly pass your crush in the school hallway that say " Do you like me? Circle One - Yes, No, Maybe"

"That's only fair that he tell me. I have to know. If he likes me then that changes everything and we don't need to just keep acting like nothing's up. And if he doesn't like me I can't keep talking to him. It won't be good for me because of my own feelings. Either way. I have to know." I tried to steady my breathing. I sat there on the floor of our laundry room adjacent to the kitchen that my mother still stood in cooking. It was agonizing waiting for him to finish typing. It seemed like an hour. 

He was probably trying to break the "just friends" thing to me but didn't know how because he was unsure if it would hurt me or not. As I decided upon this, he finally finished and sent his answer.

"Let me tell you a story...."

He went on to tell me a funny story about his friend Reece going to ask the dad of this girl that he liked, Hannah, to be in a relationship with her. I held my breath. It seemed unreal but this was kind of the grand reveal {almost} that he did have serious feelings for me...wasn't it?! Why ELSE would he have chosen to tell me that story?!?! In the agonizing minutes waiting for his response I passed the time with driving myself mad with racing thoughts. 

"What I'm trying to say is, Reece was put on the spot."

I tapped my feet and bit my nails. Typing. Typing. Typing. Typing. TREVOR RUBY WAS TYPING.

"And since I'm being put on the spot like Reece...."

I wanted to throw the phone. The dot dot dot thing was literally KILLING me. Fifteen minutes between short sentences that should have flowed seamlessly together...seriously?!

Then there it was.

"I would have to say....I would have to say I'm very interested in you and praying about it. I'm seeking the Lord and looking for peace in the matter....to know that the Lord is on my side on this." 

I finally let out a huge sigh of relief. I felt like happily weeping but instead I just laughed and smiled crazy big and let him know that, in that case, because the feeling was mutual...he needed to talk to my dad before we talked anymore. "That's also fair." He replied.

He said he would need to talk to his pastor, Charles Leiter first. "Maybe he won't whack me with a big stick. ;)"

I continued to laugh and smile and bask in the mind blowing glow that was rushing over me. Finally.

He said he had to go because he was late for Bible Study. I thought maybe he was preparing to talk to Charles then and there after everyone left the Bible Study but I wasn't really sure. Maybe not. Either way he was going to sometime. That night, several hours later I received,

"May I have your dad's contact info?"

It felt so odd and surreal as I typed in Daddy's cell phone number and sent it. 

"I just gave him my dad's number. He's gonna talk to his pastor! And then he's gonna talk to my dad!!! About ME! Because....he's interested...in me!" I had a smile so wide my cheeks ached. Finally. Something certain, something real. No more guessing. I liked him and that Georgia boy, he liked me back. :)

to be continued

H O M E is wherever I'm with you : part six

I didn't know where to turn to.

See, somehow I can't forget you,

After all that we've been through.

I couldn't turn on the TV,

Without something that'll remind me

Was it all that easy

To just put aside your feelings?

| better in time - leona lewis |

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five

I cried until I didn't think I could possibly cry anymore. Then I just sat there feeling completely empty. I was kind of shocked and confused that I was that devastated. I had never really thought him talking to me was a big deal...like, I always felt like it was something I could take or leave and it didn't make that much of a difference to me either way...but all of a sudden the thought of not talking to him and him not talking to me seemed like the most miserable thing I could ever imagine! I did like this guy! Oh gosh, how I liked him! And apparently he liked me too! I mean...that is what idolizing someone usually implies, right? I didn't really know. Maybe. Maybe he just idolized my conversation and friendship because he was lonely...his roommate Colin had been pretty absent seeing as though he was often out and about dating his new girlfriend Tori. That was a possibility too, I supposed. 

I told Mama and Daddy about his email. They both agreed I should respond soon. I prayed for wisdom and grace to use the right words. The tears continued to flow as I read and reread his email several times before writing my response. 

I said I understood and that, though it would be hard and I cried just thinking about it, I agreed that not talking for awhile would be a wise decision because I had admittedly been idolizing him as well. It was so so hard...one of the hardest things I've ever done. Things seemed pretty blah...I didn't know what to do or think or say. I felt broken...shattered. I think it was worse because I was so uncertain of what he felt and I had been in denial the whole time about how I had been feeling. On top of all of that I was still extremely sick! Mega bummer on all levels.
The next few days were dark, dreary, pitiful, and pathetic. I sat on the couch, blankly staring at the TV but appearing to be "watching" my new Lord of the Rings trilogy that I had been stoked about when I had found them a few weeks prior for less than $2 a piece! But now it was just noise and moving pictures that went on for hours that at least kept me from being in silence, sometimes coughing until I couldn't breathe, other times randomly bursting into tears remembering what had happened. It was an extremely low time, let me tell ya. :( 

After almost a week had past I was far from well but ready to get out of the house. Our church was having a Thanksgiving dinner/hayride and I decided, well or not well, I was going! I needed human interaction. Everyone else went on the hayride but Rachel stayed back with me and I told her what was going on. (That's what best friends are for, people!! Never underestimate them!!)
"Woa. This is deep stuff." she said once I was finished venting while holding back tears as best I could. She and I both decided it very well could have been that he didn't like me...he had just gotten carried away and gave me the wrong idea so decided he needed to back off. The more we talked about it the less likely it seemed to me that he could like me. Which made me extremely sad but not so weepy...I was finally resolved that I needed to get over him. Easier said than done but I had done it before and I would do it again...problem was, the more I thought about it the more I realized I had never liked a guy quite like Trevor.
I had always liked guys that I knew I shouldn't, to my shame. I had liked them all for selfish reasons or to be rebellious because I felt all big and bad doing it. But this case was entirely different. Against everything that I would've generally chosen for myself, there was Trevor. 
He was short -- I liked tall guys.
He had brown eyes -- I've always preferred blue.
He was 26 for crying out loud! But I admired that he wasn't a "fake it til you make it" unbeliever that was professing to be saved and he wasn't a weak Christian. He was sweet, funny, kind, interesting, cool, thoughtful...Like I said...he was basically everything the other guys I had liked were not. I didn't really want to like him, but I did! A lot! And just when that became totally clear, I had to stop.
Exactly a week after his email, Mitchell and Brandi (my cousins) were on our doorstep with the most adorable beagle puppy I think I have ever seen. He came right to me and curled up in my arms. My first instinct reaction? I started crying. While I sat teary eyed completely enraptured with this little mass of sweetness, Mitchell and Brandi told me I was going to get to keep him for 3 weeks {until Christmas} when they would then give him to Maggie as her Christmas morning gift. The particulars weren't all that important to me. All I knew is that I was sick, my broken heart was trying to decide if it would ever mend again, and now I was holding a puppy. I really really needed this puppy. The Lord is very merciful and unique in giving us small joys to be thankful for even in the midst of trials and confusion. I mean, yeah, it was just a puppy and what I was dealing with was kind of huge...pretty much the biggest trial I could ever remember facing...but nevertheless, I felt a little better for the first time in a while. 

After they left I just stared at him in my arms and grinned incessantly, as he slept soundly in my lap. I took an Instagram picture of him to let the world know of my happiness. Rachel commented, "Awwww! This is exactly what you needed!" She knew it just like I knew it. It was time to be happy about something. :)
I posted the picture on G+ and to the caption I had copied from the Instagram post I impulsively added, "I totally needed this!" No one else would really understand why I said that...besides Rachel...and maybe him...if he saw it. Deep down I wrote those words half hoping he would see it. So he would know I was hurt but could still be happy without him. (You know, the pathetic, dramatic, seemingly tough girl-power proclamation of "I'm stronger than that! I don't need boys to make me happy! Who needs boys when you have puppies!?" ha.) But there was, of course, no guarantee that he would see it.
He had completely disappeared from the face of the social media earth it seemed. No posts, he hadn't liked anything...anywhere. No YouTube activity (yes...I stalked his YouTube activity feed...no judging. Desperate moping girl here.) And he hadn't been online anywhere...believe me, I checked pretty much every minute. But if he did get online, he would see that I was having my emotional pain soothed with my new buddy, Charlie! 

Honestly, it was silly. I was clearly depending on what he did or didn't do to gauge how emotionally stable I was. That aspect, I'll admit, was wrong. Very wrong. Truth is, I have ultimate joy in Christ that can never be added to or taken away from because it is infinite and perfect. The real truth was I was "stronger than that" because of Christ. It wasn't the puppy that made me able to be happy without Trevor, it was Jesus Christ. I wish I would've grasped that more at the time.
My circumstantial happiness was subject to minute-by-minute changes. Like how when Rachel sent me a chat letting me know Trevor had +1 the picture of Charlie and I on G+ and I once again started weeping. "Well what does that mean?!" I sobbed as I glared at his picture in my notifications. "You can't possibly know what you're doing to me!!" I said through clenched teeth.
Granted, I was hormonal, and sick, and confused which just added to my natural tendency to be on the emotional side of things when everything around me isn't deciding to crash down all at once.
The next morning proved to be even worse. He had posted a YouTube video at almost 1 in the morning (worse time to make any rash/impulsive decisions or movements on social media...or the Internet period, I must say.) It was of him singing along nonchalantly (and almost teasingly) to a Johnny Cash song. The words stabbed into me like a thousand knives. "I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. It ain't me babe, no no no, it ain't me you're looking for." He had as the description, "For those who think I would make the perfect husband."
I was speechless, and breathless, and felt like throwing up. I started to laugh because it was so stupid but my laugh turned almost immediately into...you guessed it...more hysterical crying. Then I got angry. Very angry. It just seemed so unlike him. It was so...so...cruel! And rude! And weird! And hurtful! "Look, I get it! You don't like me! But just because you apparently picked up on the fact that I did like you, you didn't have to make fun of my feelings and use something as tacky as this to give me the hint that it would never work out!!" I shouted this at the computer screen as the video continued to last forever it seemed, by the way. I called and asked my dad to watch it. His interpretation was the same. It was a way to tell me to get over him....that was in very bad taste. I sent it to Rachel to get her opinion. She freaked out too. For a split second I thought of another conclusion that could possibly be true. "Maybe he's just saying that he will never be the perfect husband because nobody is perfect. Cause I mean...he's just not that...heartless, normally." I loved that new thought. It fit him better. But it seemed too obvious. Not outlandish and uncalled for and unbelievable enough for my over-the-top, dramatic, highly-analytic thought process at the time. So I went back to sorrowfully believing that he must've had a complete out of character experience and chose to hurt me for my own good. {Oh yeah, that really made sense.}
That afternoon I saw that he was online. Agreement to not talk or not, he had some explaining to do. 
I sent him a chat that said, "Listen...I know what you said about avoiding each other for a while but, we need to talk about something." He replied with a, "Yes ma'am." I started typing again but before I could get any thoughts written and sent, he sent a link to a video he had just posted and said, "If you saw my video from last night, this will probably help." The new video was him explaining why he made the Johnny Cash video in the first place. Good news is, he realized it was silly and tried to cancel the upload. Bad news is, it posted anyways. All in all, he was dealing with his own thought process and having a little fun with it...no big deal. {Correction...it had become a huge deal in my heart by this point...repairs were slowly being made but damage had been done.} We talked a few unclear things out and it didn't take me long to realize he was just as confounded as I was. He couldn't clearly define to me what aspect of me he'd been idolizing. He tried to clarify some things and I felt better after we talked and yet things didn't really feel all that different. He basically told me he loved talking to me but he feared it was just being a huge distraction in my life so he couldn't do that to me.
"Oookay, not that I mind your distractions but I think I understand." I thought to myself as I watched him type and type...obviously struggling with what to say and convey to me. Finally we left it at the point of going back to not talking because he didn't want to get emotionally attached or something along those lines. He was glad I understood {or at least, I said I did but I'm not really sure that was a fully honest statement.} 
The next week seemed to pass much easier for me. He didn't like me, plain and simple. I had a puppy to take care of and overall I had a loving God that was in total control. I was going to be just fine. I didn't feel near as emotional or prone to crying. If I liked something he posted, I +1'd it without shame {never commented though.} Nothing had happened. There had been no real mutual official attachment expressed {or a desire for there to be one expressed}, therefore, acknowledging his presence while safely avoiding direct interaction seemed like a perfectly acceptable system. Sure, my feelings towards him were the same it was still tough stuff, don't get me wrong. I remember vividly relapsing into short periods of weeping when Adele or Colbie Caillat songs would play so I tried to avoid them like the plauge. And one time in particular, I sat at the computer with Charlie in my lap and Better in Time by Leona Lewis came on Pandora. I couldn't hold back. I wept and wept. My dad walked in and was like, "What in the world is wrong with you?" (He, being a man, was not really fully in tune with how truly emotionally traumatized and compromised I was about "losing" this guy...)  I looked up and trying to think fast, blubbered the only response I could think of, "We're gonna have to give Charlie back after Christmas! *deep heaving sobbing breath in* He nodded slightly and left me to my puddles of sorrow. 
But for the most part I was more consistently learning to finally rest in, "Thy will not mine be done." I knew everything was going to work out according to His plan and I was content with that, even if I was battling this "roller coaster" of emotions I had sinfully succumbed to and had almost let take hold of me altogether. And then as the "better days" started piling up, I was joyful and excited in my heart about the future whether my circumstances were bright or not. It was a refreshing time of learning...peace. I wrote a poem about it. I was determined not to be a moper any longer. 

Rachel and I on December 10th. Choosing rather to be coping not moping! :)

Then. The night of 12/12/12, while Mama and I were cooking supper. We stood in the kitchen chatting away. I was smiling and thinking the same thing in the back of my head that I had been thinking for days. "Wow. I'm gonna be okay. I'm doing this. I'm getting better." Then Mama glanced down at the phone screen and nearly shrieked. She gasped, grabbed the phone and held it out to me. I had received a message on the G+ Messenger. One word that would turn my whole demeanor (and eventually my world) upside down instantly. I read it, and  all the "jelly limbs" and "tummy butterflies" came rushing back with all fervor and I knew, I was in for it. The word? The word was:


(Doing this part in two sub parts...lol. Next part coming tomorrow morning! Just wanted y'all to be left hanging for a leeetle bit between these two sections. hehe ;)) 

Derick + Emily : engaged // nacogdoches, tx engagment portrait and lifestyle photographer

You've got the right to remain right here with me

I'm on your tail in a hot pursuit

Love is a high-speed chase racing down the street

I'm coming after you.

|| coming after you - owl city ||

These two are the epitome of delight, joy, fun, laughter, care-free, love, and youthfulness. Their love for one another is so comfortable, enjoyable, sweet, natural. I had the immense pleasure of making their engagement portraits in Nacogdoches, Texas where they met (and fell in love) at SFA college. Several months ago, I sat across from her in an IHOP booth, entirely enraptured by their story as Emily told it animatedly to me. It was so encouraging as she spoke of how the Lord drew Derick unto Himself through the witness of his best friend Isaac in college back in Kansas City, Missouri (where he is from.) When Isaac decided to transfer to SFA in Texas, Derick knew he had to go with him...he had a new love for the Lord and he wanted to stick with the guy that had done so much sharing about that same love! It just so happens Emily was going to SFA. (Perf.) But she had a boyfriend. (Whoops. Maybe not so perf.) And so began the first semester that her and Derick were in school together. He was a little older than her and she briefly noticed him in a class one day. Attractive, godly, charming guy...yeah, of course she noticed him. It didn't take long for him to notice her. However, she already had a boyfriend so no magic sparks or love at first sight really set the stage here. 

It was honestly a pretty funny train-wreck as he became more interested, her boyfriend and she broke up (Yes!) and then she had another boyfriend (No!). Things just weren't fitting together like you would think they should. I mean really, poor Derick!! ;)
But the Lord worked in both of their lives. And finally, in His perfect time, everything fell into place. Emily was single (finally! ;) ) and Derick was there to sweep her off her feet. Or something like that. ;) It's pretty awesome how He does things so differently than we think they should be done simply to teach us the perfection of His purposes. 

After almost two years of dating, they started talking about getting engaged. And of course, with talk of that came discussions about Emily's "dream ring." She had a pretty specific idea in her head of what the absolute perfect one would be. Specific as in virtually impossible...no biggie. ;) Art deco with cluster diamonds. Both rare in and of themselves and obviously that much more so to find together in one ring. But, lo and behold, one day Derick and she went to look, for fun, at an antique shop. They asked about "the dream ring" with no success. It wasn't the first time they had gone up to a counter and explained what she wanted only to have the person smile and apologize because they didn't have anything that matched their description. But then the owner came walking up to the front, having overheard what they ask for. "Wait just a minute," they said, "I think I might have just what you're looking for." The owner went to a back room full of things that had been pulled off the shelves that never sold. And, oh what joy, that ring way back in that room among things that no one seemed to want before was THE ring. It literally could not be more EXACTLY what Emily desired. 

Emily wanted him to buy the ring right on the spot!! ;) But of course, to be special, he left it there and came back when Emily wasn't with him. :) So now that the perfect ring was checked off the list, all that was left was pulling off the perfect proposal. ;)

Emily told me,
"I anticipated a proposal for WEEKS before it happened (so I was always on my toes) but when August 24th rolled around my roommate (who knew the whole plan) and parents had convinced me there were too many things going on that weekend to make it happen. I believed them, why wouldn't I?? Heather, the sweet lady who disciples me, had asked me to go shopping with her that Saturday and I didn't have any proposals to be at, so I went. She told me she needed to pick up a check at a church on our way and when we pulled up, I recognized the neighborhood as one Derick and I would go on walks around and the place where he first told me he loved me. So, I said, "Hey, Derick and I take walks around this neighborhood when we go on dates!" To which she sweetly replied, "Oh really? That's so interesting! Hey look, there he is!" And there he was. Then he asked me to be his wife on one knee! And I said, "Yeah I want to!" :)






























I asked Derick to describe Emily for me and tell me what he loved about her and he said,
"She is free-spirited and fun, artistic, out-going, sweet, caring, and sensitive to others. But I love that she also has a fiery and spunky nature. I love her sweet smile, loving eyes, and gentle touch. I love how she tells stories with lots of exaggerated hand-motions.









I love her heart for Jesus, and how much that pours out to other girls that she sacrifices so much of her time to meet with weekly. I love her passion, whether it be for painting, Scripture, or poorly acted TV shows. 





I love that she wears sundresses year round, rocks high-waisted shorts like they never were out of fashion, and has the most amazing hair to have never seen a comb. 








Mostly I love everything about her. She's pretty awesome."


In other news,  I get a lot of questions about "How do you go about leading a shoot?" Location choices, posing, etc. kinds of questions. Let me take a moment to walk you through this pose. I asked them to hold each other tight and "Nice! Perfect! Now, look up at each other!" I think it's safe to qualify that bit of instruction as a failure. Hey, ya win some and ya lose some. Just keepin' it real. ;)

I also asked Emily to tell me what Derick is like and what she loves about him. Her response was,
"Derick is gentle, kind, smart, hard working, creative and fun. He's laid back and doesn't stress out very easily, but it cracks me up how organized and structured he is. He's intentional with his words and in his relationships. He loves others well and is quick to have grace for people. He loves the Lord, desires knowledge, and is passionate about the gospel.







I love that he tries to make up his own jokes and his whole face crinkles up when he laughs. I love that his eyelashes are so long that they get tangled. 






 I love that he likes to learn new things and teach me about them (even though I don't retain information.) I love that he is quick to serve me without being asked and is so willing to watch chick-flicks. 




 I love that he speaks truth into my life and is such an encouragement. He is always my biggest and most enthusiastic fan. I love that I'm his!"






When I asked what were some of their favorite things to do together they said,
We love to take walks together and talk about all kinds of topics. We like to find shows to get addicted to on Netflix and then devote whole lazy-days to watching them non-stop.














We love to ask each other questions, even if we already know the answer. We like to go on dates and make an occasion out of something even if we just wind up going to Taco Bueno and paying with change. 


(yes. they are mimicking the brooms photobombing in the background. )





So, as you can see, they are an absolute BLAST to be around! I could've gone home and iced my face when we were finished because it was sore from laughing and smiling as much as I did!! And "pinch me I've got to be dreaming" I get to shoot their wedding this upcoming April!! I am SO beyond thrilled! They're both artists (he writes and she paints, draws, is graphic designer, you name it!) so I can only imagine how my own little artist heart shall flutter to capture the day they become husband and wife. Not to mention they're getting married 15 days before me!! YEAH BABY!!
Anyways, I just love 'em, and honored to be their photographer, I'm suuuper excited for them and GOSH THEY JUST BELONG TOGETHER CAN'T YOU SEE?! ;) Lots and lots of happy.

~Through Christ's Love ♥ 

P.S. These two masterpieces are worth mentioning. The first is "doodles" by Emily on their wedding contract!! And the second is something she did just for fun!! HOW PRESH IS THAT?! Can you guess who it is? ;) I'm telling you...she rocks. Make sure to check out her Facebook page of her artwork >>> here